abiding at advent

'Tis the season.  

Advent.

The coming of our Lord.

The great miracle of Incarnation.

The monumental shift of history.

And how do we celebrate?

By waiting.

Hoping.

Preparing.

We look forward in anticipation, certainly,

but these actions are hardly exciting - or even active, for that matter.

Not what you might expect for an event so huge we're still talking about it millennia after the fact.

Celebration, this season, is mere attitude, perspective, or inward reflection and preparation?

And yet, no amount of active striving will make Christmas come any sooner.

I feel this way sometimes.  

No, rather often.

That my life is just a waiting game.

It's all about to change, 

truly, everything is about to change.

The coming year will hold great things.

But I'm in-between.

I'm here, the important and monumental life-changing-points are out there.

Out there, beyond my control.

I can use no 'exciting' or 'active' verbs to get myself closer.

No striving will make it happen sooner.

It's a waiting game.

Hoping.

Preparing.

But what if this next big thing is just like the last big thing?

I reach it (finally), 

adjust, get comfortable with the change, 

and then I'm in-between again.

It's like the slight let-down after Christmas. 

All the presents are unwrapped, and there are no more surprises.

Ah, well - 365 days till next Christmas.

Maybe what I'm trying to process is the idea that maybe Advent is trying to teach me something else.

A different lesson altogether than just waiting, hoping and preparing.

Maybe the lesson I'm learning is to abide.

That because of (and in spite of) my hopes, even when the end is in sight,

it is possible to live in a state of perpetual contentment, and active progress.

This is my own type of preparation.  

Continuing, progressing through time in a particular condition or attitude.

At this moment, 

I could very easily launch into a trite tirade on how we should live as if every day is Christmas.  

That's not what I want, though, really.

I can't live every moment as if it's a mountain-top experience, 

a monumental change in history.

How exhausting.

I just want to be ready for those moments, 

while still loving and living the life that I have.

Make the most of the in-betweens.

The periods of waiting.

Celebrate Advent.

marriage is risky

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

So says Jack, my friend and pedagogue, in his The Four Loves.  And I find this to be true.  You may have read one of my previous posts sharing part of my story about finding God and what it means to let Him love me.  It is one thing to be vulnerable before the Almighty God, who will never leave or forsake, but another thing altogether to be vulnerable before another fallible, faulty, and self-serving human being. 

Marriage is risky.

I am a messy person.  Not externally - like in our home, leaving clothes everywhere, dishes undone, the bathroom mirror ajar - that's his specialty.  Inwardly, privately, though, I am a mess.  There are unresolved issues that I like to keep to myself.  Marriage doesn't really allow that.  Not really.  All I am is his - including my mess.  And vice versa.  

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Vulnerable can mean "to be open to attack."  Completely exposed.  Messes bared.  Wholly at the mercy of someone else.  What a risk.

What a risk to place yourself in dependence of another, to willingly subject yourself to someone who is not you.  Who does not think as you do.  Who has not experienced what you have, and may not understand that.  

What a risk to invest your energy, will and emotion, and your very life to a person who will break your heart without trying or thinking.  

What a risk to know that you are in that same position to him, in a position to so easily break his heart, though he may not ponder the situation as analytically as you do.  

Let me finish the paragraph I started at the top:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, 

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements;

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.

it will not be broken; 

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe 

from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

You see?  The opposite of vulnerability is impenetrability.  Refusing to be vulnerable is refusing to be understood. You are completely inaccessible.  The fear of being vulnerable is similar to the fear of being unloved, but at the expense of being known.  If you are unknown by the one that you love (or fear to love), there is no hope for love in the relationship at all.  And this shortcoming is magnified in marriage.

Marriage is a religion.  It is a devotion founded on faith and trust and love, but based upon the love of Christ for each individual rather than the individual's ability to love on his or her own.  Perhaps, then, it is a parable for religion.  It is not safe; it is profoundly risky.  And that's love.  That's life.

why my husband is the sweetest man alive

So, last night, I'm working the closing shift at Starbucks.  It's snowing.

We had just locked the store so we could finish cleaning, counting drawers, etc... and we see two sets of headlights shining through the windows.  We rolled our eyes because it's obnoxious when people try to get in when we're already closed.  The cars sit there a while.

I take a closer look: it's my husband (in gym shorts) heating up my car and scraping the windshield for me.  My coworker (a guy) turns to me and says, "Well, that is literally the sweetest thing I've ever seen.  What a great guy, geez."

Adorable, right?  Just wait - it gets better.

I arrive back at our flat, where Kevin has prepared me dinner.  He ushers me to the couch, where he has my favorite book sitting next to a bottle of my favorite pinot grigio.  A playlist of Michael Buble, John Mayer, and Air Supply was on softly.

So very, very sweet.

Then, he prepared a foot bath.  My feet soaked while I read my favorite book, sipped wine, and ate popcorn (because he knows and loves me that much), and while he kept the pup occupied in the other room, I got my relaxation on.

But, guess what, there's even more.

He gave me a pedicure.  He literally scrubbed my feet.

He didn't even know what a pedicure was, apparently, and had to be told by the ladies at Bath and Body Works (where he bought all the lavender- and vanilla-scented goodness).  He did this for me.  Out of the blue.  For absolutely no reason whatsoever.  It was a Thursday night, for goodness' sake!

And THIS is why my husband is the sweetest man alive.

and everything is different

I'm going to let you in on a little piece of Anna Trivits history here.  It's strange because as a sort of chronic over-sharer in my early years of college, there are not many people nowadays that know my story.  Or the importance of this day - October 11 - five years ago.

Five years ago, I was a freshman at Philadelphia Biblical University (now Cairn University).  There's more backstory that I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I was floundering.

My heart had been broken that summer, a traumatizing experience for an eighteen-year-old girl, and I entered school not knowing who I was, what I was worth, and I had about had it with God.  You see, during that summer, when my heart was broken, I determined to (in my own words) "see what I was saved from".  That meant nearly open rebellion against my parents, against my standards, and against my faith.  I felt I hadn't yet lived, so I set about living.  

Apparently what I thought that meant, though, was destructive relationships.  I'll gloss over details, because in truth you can probably imagine what that entailed.

And five years ago, I realized I was reaching my limit.  I was being stretched too thin.  And it was beginning to show.

Here's an excerpt from my journal:

I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a few years now... and everything's just coming to a head (at this point, I had passed out in the shower twice).  What it boils down to is how much I value other people's opinions of myself.  If they don't approve of me, I don't approve of me. And this new environment has just intensified my insecurities.  I wish I just had the strength and the confidence to be just unapologetically ME.

Later:

I've been so encouraged by the response of family and friends - my mom called Oasis Counseling Center and I'm meeting with the Baron today... in about 40 minutes.  This should also be a good thing, although I'm incredibly nervous and embarrassed to be seeking help for this. 

And later:

Well, much has happened, I guess.  I've met with my counselor twice now, and according to my intake survey, I have clinical depression.  I may be seeing a doctor in a month or so, if things don't improve.  I'm just not really sure how I'm supposed to respond to this information. 

After several sessions, it became more and more apparent that my depression stemmed from standards that I felt I could never measure up to, and from ever-increasing guilt because of those standards and my decisions the past summer.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was Just Not Good Enough.  In another journal entry, I wrote about when I told my counselor The Story of my heartbreak.  She asked me how I could tell such a story and remain so calm and composed, but as I processed that, it seemed to me that I deserved much of what heartbreak came my way.  I had put myself into those situations knowing full well what I was getting into.  And this mentality continued for me, for a little while.

Five years ago, the weekend of the PBU Homecoming (which was this past weekend, in fact), I was about ready to end it all.  Another failed and foolish relationship pushed me beyond the limit, and I wanted to punish myself for my stupidity, for once again not being good enough.  Fortunately, I had the good sense to tell someone about what I felt prepared to do.  This friend may never know that he rescued me from the brink that night, but I am ever grateful to him.

A few days later, my journal read: Yesterday was good.  Today is better.  I am so thankful for amazing friends and godly examples and advice.  I want, more than anything in the world, to give my life to Him.

You see?  I still hadn't figured it out.  I was still living apart from God, from the One who so desired to fix me, heal my broken heart.  My identity, my morality, and my very self was yet unsurrendered to Him.  Because, of course, I felt I could never be good enough.

And that's when it all changed.  Almost on a whim, two new friends invited me to a concert with them and their circle (the Heritage Hall loungers, as I once referred to them before I was a part of their group).  It was a Bebo Norman, Bethany Dillon, and Shane and Shane concert at the University of Delaware.  I felt a bit out of my element, new people, new friends and all, and my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was going, whom I still "hated".  But it was music, and it was getting out of my dorm, so I went.  I needed it.

The show was good (if you know anything about the musicians I mentioned above, that is understatement), but at the very end of Shane and Shane's set, they played their (then) new song: Embracing Accusation.  And I wept.  I gave my heart, wholly, to the Lord.  I began to believe the truth that they sang, scripture.

You'll understand once you hear the song.  

I'll let Shane Bernard explain the rest.  

Listen to his story.  The full song, with lyrics, is the second video.

-- In 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting the Shanes and letting them know what their song means to me, and how it changed my life. --

Galatians 3:10

For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them."  

Galatians 3:13

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree."

On this day in history: October 11, 2007, I surrendered.  I raised the white flag and leapt into His arms.  And now I'm free. 

Thank you to 

Steve Brittin, 

Nate Benbow, 

Derek Meck, 

Bill Lukacs, 

Jeremy Pearson,

Tommy Myers, 

Brieanne Sodano, 

Katie Slothower, 

Heather Neustadter, 

Elisa Monahan,

Shane and Shane

And whoever else had a part in this story.

our precious bilbo

Our precious: Bilbo 

So, Kevin and I have been wanting a puppy for a rather long time.  

It's sort of impossible to live in Colorado and not own or want to own a dog; it's even more impossible to work at the Idaho Springs Starbucks, surrounded by only the most avid of dog-lovers.  

Dogs are expensive.  Especially, we've found, corgis.  Especially corgis that aren't mixed with something else, particularly chihuahua.  We wanted a corgi.  It's become a practice of mine, when I've absolutely exhausted my typical online demands (a la Facebook, Failblog, news sites, etc), I'll look up corgis up for sale or adoption in the Denver area.  Friday, I found an interesting ad.  There was a litter of Pembroke Welsh Corgis (aka the type the Queen prefers) almost three hours away from us, but the price was right.  Kev gave the lady a call, who said she had only one male left.  We braved Friday evening traffic, stopped to get Chick-fil-A, and made it to the place just after the sun had set.  Needless to say, although the breeder didn't have papers for him (because when she bought the father, that breeder didn't get through the necessary paperwork, or something), we fell in love with this little guy and brought him home.  Well, first, we went to the hospital, because our best friends were having their baby.  Funny timing, we know.

Anyway.  We love him.  Bilbo has one of the best personalities I've seen in a dog: he's playful, but quiet.  He rarely whines, and I've heard him bark (almost whispered, like he's not sure he wants to commit to it) maybe twice?  He knows to use the bathroom outside (except when he was so excited yesterday at church - sorry about that, again, guys).  He is perfectly content rolling around on the floor by himself, chasing his tail or the rope toy we bought him.  He jumps on me when I sing (delightedly, we think), and he wrestles with Kevin like a champ. 

He's just the best.  

tune up

I'm out of alignment.  I ought to see a chiropractor - apparently, for "tune ups" - for the rest of my life to consistently be readjusted.  Made straight.

This is the first post I've written in a few months, and I realize that all too often I feel the need to blog when something's up.  Something wrong.  Something I've got to process.  Sometimes journaling and praying don't cut it when I have to process actively.  

And it's because I'm out of alignment.  I need readjusting.  

My back, yes.  

My heart, also yes.

Not many people know that I went to counseling my freshman year of college.  For depression.  So much healing took place in that office, on that couch, pouring out my struggles to what may as well have been a complete stranger.  At the end of that year, I felt whole.  Put back together.

Over the next five years, big things have happened in my life.  Good and bad.  Relationship ups and downs.  Periods of peace in feeling the gladness of God, and dry spells.  Little by little, emotionally, I drift out of being perfectly aligned.  Each jolt in the road disturbs my vertebrae.  

Do I allow time for myself to be restored?  Do I devote proper time to the things in my past that still require dealing with?  Daily allowing the Lord to redeem my mistakes, my hurts?  Do I still trust in the truth that I've learned to trust and believe as truth?  

I need to be realigned.

redefining tolerance

It is time for those engaged in contentious debate to put the pitchforks down, pick up some coffee cups and have some messy conversations. Messy conversations lead to healthy conversations. Healthy conversations lead to understanding. Understanding those whom we disagree with leads to pure tolerance.

 So writes Ken Coleman in his Huffpost article, Redefining Tolerance: The Case of Chick-fil-A.  I tend to agree.

"Gay is the new black" v. Chick-fil-a

I read two articles today.
They happened to be on a topic I am wrestling through as I hope to find the appropriate, loving, Christian response.
Read them.  Think through these things with me.  Pray about it.  I'm going to, too.

One: Gay Is Not the New Black
Two: Moreno lays an egg opposing Chick-fil-A
(For whatever reason, the Chicago Tribune site isn't letting me link it properly... so you might have to google "Chick fil A" and it's currently the top news story. Sigh.)

stuff my kids said [7.2-7.3]

Just take a look at this awesome schedule I had for two days of subbing!

Exclamations:

I chipped my finger!

One name is grape, and one name is pock! 

His name is Captain America!  I'm serious! 

Hair accessories:

Look - my headband can easily blend into your shirt, Miss Anna!

This clip is special because I found it at a park.  I mean... who wouldn't want a clip?? 

Fourth of July!

Happy Birthday, America!  ...Can America eat a cake?  (Response from another kid: YOU can eat a cake for America!)

On pets:

I don't have a cat... I have a brother.

Advice:

Stay away from those kinds of trees... there could be some fire drops left. 

Coloring:

One girl: Suns do not have eyes! Another girl: Well... I can do half eyes! 

No-nos:

One kid, during lunch: You have a coconut on your peepee!  Me: Oh, we don't say that... Another kid: Yeah, because coconut is a bad word!

a little over a month from now....

...my best friend is getting married.

And I get to stand and testify to her love for him and their love for Christ.

6 month check up on 2012 goals

1) Learn German.  Ehh.  This one is on hold for the time being.  Faith and I are learning Koine Greek, instead! Rosetta Stone's too danged expensive!


2) Read through the complete works of Shakespeare.  Gonna work on this one this summer!  AKA soon.


3) Go hiking/camping on a mountain with Kevin.  Also a summer goal.  Probably going to count this as completed when Collette & Pete come out and visit (which we so very much hope they will do!)


4) See sunrise on said mountain.  See above.


5) Use the paint supplies I have acquired.  Well, I've only got blank canvases.  No paint.  So...


6) Use the Pilates DVD and mat I bought myself for Christmas.  For two weeks, I was pretty faithful with this, but things got busy & I got lazy.  Will have to pick it up again.  Oy.


7)  Write a letter to a friend a week.  With this, I've done okay.  I wouldn't say it's been one per week, but at least three a month!


8) Journal weekly.  Yessah!


9)  Read through the collected works of Milton.  Erhm... after Shakespeare.  Promise.


10) Read through the collected works of Lewis.  Have read The Great Divorce, and am half done with The Four Loves.  For my thoughts on these, see my other blog! 


11) Read through The Making of a Sonnet, and attempt one a month.  Nope.  Haven't been feeling it.  But might be a good fall-winter activity.  Will see.


12) Work harder than absolutely necessary.  I think I've got this one.  But, to be continued.


13) Develop relationships with the girls in the youth group.  Yes!  So far so good!  Also, to be continued!


14) Sing out.  Yes... but I need to be reminded of this kinda often.


15) Develop better posture.  Oy.  I need to see a chiropractor.


16) Complete the application process and become a certified teacher in the state of Colorado.  Yes!  Finished the application, just waiting to hear!


17)  Learn more about pre-K education.  Finished ECE101, just begun Guidance Strategies!


18) Collect and read as many of my childhood-favorite books as I possibly can!  Doing okay with this one, too - read The Prisoner of Zenda, and recently acquired the Roll of Thunder series!

How are YOU doing on your 2012 goals?? 

As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do..........

but 9/18 seems to be right on track!

one year

On this day last year, Kevin and I arrived in Colorado.

2011

2012

summertime: once a week

It takes a bit of effort to "have" summer, 

dates, 

relaxing days.

Groupon: 

DaVinci Machines at the Denver Pavilions

Conclusion: 

Renaissance man does not fail to impress

Then:

Street fair

Chalk art

Starbucks

Wannabe city (silly Denver) and wandering

Shepherd's pie for dinner, and fried chicken

Friends' home

Encouragement and laughter

Coffee

Kev having a blast.

I got a new purse!

People's Fair; gorgeous day

today i woke up and decided not to be afraid

Today, I woke up
 and decided not to be afraid.

I looked myself in the mirror and said,
"Dear, what shall you accomplish today?"

My reflection spoke back, smiling,
"What would you attempt if you knew you would not fail?"

I fled the flat,
skipped down the stairs, hands not holding the rail,
and beamed into the sunshine.

The world did not bow to me,
but I was filled
with purpose,
with joy,
and with an unquenchable desire to be.

what to do when.

I wrote this somewhat depressing post a couple of weeks ago... and thought it would be all right to share now.  I think it's important to see that other people struggle, too.  Have you ever felt like this?

.

.

.

I asked God for something.  He answered.  And I'm... disappointed.

Has this ever happened to you before?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Let me explain.

Sometimes I pray for things, with a certain expectation in mind.  He responds with 'yes', 'no', or 'wait', right?  That's what we're trained from an early age to receive from God.  Well.  What are you to do when He responds yes, but that yes looks absolutely different from the yes you had in mind?

Lately, I'm struggling to adjust to that idea: that this must be for the best, because God gave it to me.  And yet, I'm so incredibly hurt.  There are (give or take) a million verses that I know by rote that fill my mind - almost literally, like pop-ups on the desktop of my brain.  But they advertise something that I don't want to buy, or am not interested in, or will not bring satisfaction into this situation.  I believe them, because they are true... but I believe them in the sense that I believe Washington was America's first president, that Shakespeare wrote histories and tragedies and comedies, that Michigan became a state in 1837.  I know these factoids to be true, but what does it matter?  The verses that pop up are just factoids.

Did you know?  

In all things, God works for the good of those that love Him 

and have been called according to His purpose!

Guess what!

God knows the plans He has for you! 

Plans to prosper you & not to harm you! 

Plans to give you a hope and a future!

Hey! 

God gives good gifts!

Yes, thank you, I did know that.  Fascinating.  Thanks for the reminder.  But what does that look like for me right now, today, in my life that is undergoing tough and unexpected change?

I realize this sounds cynical.  But I am all too often the optimist.  I am really good at relying on God.  Truly.  But particularly when I ask Him for something specific, and He delivers, but... it's either not what I really wanted, or He, strangely, gave me the wrong side of the coin.  Those of you reading this who know me know this isn't me.  And that's half the struggle.  I don't feel like myself.

Another teaching that's been ingrained in me since before I could grasp any of the reality of the Gospel is that faith is not a feeling.  Yes, right now, I feel somewhat empty and bare.  Like a vacuum, really: any truth that I read or hear or feel just doesn't seem to stick.  It gets lost.  I know that what God requires is obedience, faithfulness despite the obstacles and the feelings that come along with living in a broken world, in broken bodies, with broken minds and hearts.  It's about obedience, blindly following Him and His word.  But, God... it hurts.  You answered yes, and I wanna take it back.

Friendship in Photographs

So... most of you know that my little brother is one of my best friends in the entire world.  

This is an essay he wrote his freshman year of college about our friendship.  

Now that he's graduating, it just seemed appropriate.  

I LOVE YOU, AUDIE!

           The human mind is not photographic, which is why the idea of photography is appealing.  It allows a person to capture a moment in a picture so they can always remember that event.  But the photographs don’t just show the event; if you look closely you can see the relationship between the characters.  Then by looking at later pictures you can begin to observe a change or development in that relationship.  Such is the case with my sister, Anna, and I.

            We are sitting in the back seat of a mini van as we drive down the highway.  Both furious with the other, arms crossed, brows furrowed, and bodies positioned in opposite directions as if we don’t want to be any where close to the other.  Unfortunately, we are buckled in right next to each other.  Anna stares huffily out the window of the car, and I glare at the ground.  It is as we don’t exist to each other, and in our eyes you see the angry determination never to acknowledge the other’s presence ever again.  The enmity between us couldn’t be clearer.  The caption to the picture ironically says, “Can’t you tell we’re best friends?” 

So why then did my mother choose this moment to remember with a picture? She took the picture because it captured our childhood relationship. Anna is two years older than me, so as an older sister she had to demonstrate that she knew more than I did, and had authority over me.  I was a strong willed younger brother, who had to defy her “authority”.  I would often tease her because she is a girl, and that is what you do to girls.

 I am not sure why we are so upset in this picture: perhaps we had argued, called each other names, or had gotten each other in trouble.  It shows our pettiness, and our immaturity, and like many other siblings at this stage of life, we loved each other, but we didn’t like each other. Our relationship up through middle school was bumpy to say the least; we would constantly bicker and squabble over every little thing.

            Then I entered high school, and Anna began to drive me to school, and it was just the two of us in the car for half an hour every day.  It was then when our relationship began to develop. Our attitudes had changed 180 degrees.  No longer were we ignoring each other’s existence; we were as close as we could be, both relationally and literally. 

Our faces fill the frame and are pressed together, with eyes level and cheeks touching. Anna smiles widely at the camera, and I smile a little shyly, though both of our eyes alight with happiness. It is a far cry from the previous picture where our whole bodies were turned and we where scowling in opposite directions.  Now both our faces and our bodies are facing in towards each other. She goes up on her tip toes so that her face can be level with mine, as I am now several inches taller than she is, and she has her arm around my back pulling me in closer for the picture.  She is going out of her way to show for the picture how close we are, to show in a picture what our friendship is really like.  There is no one else in the picture, and no way for them to get between us. We both wear the staff shirt, because we have decided to work together at a camp.

 She is taking this picture because she is going away to college in the fall, and she wants to have a good picture of us together so she can remember our friendship and the summer we had.  It is a picture of us at our best and closest moment, so that when she feels lonely, a thousand miles away at college she can look at it and be comforted by our friendship.

            Not long after the dynamic of our friendship changed again as a factor is added.  Anna met Kevin. They met at her school, and they later got engaged.  I was thrilled for Anna and Kevin, because I knew that they really loved each other, but I was a little concerned when things began to get serious between them, because I didn’t know how it would affect my relationship with my sister.

 Things did change, and it is evident in the third and final picture.  There are two guys in this picture, Kevin and I, and we are both dressed in blue.  Kevin is bearded and I am clean-shaven. It is a hot day, which is apparent because my usually straight hair is curly from the humidity.  We are sitting at a counter top at a burger joint in the Chicago.  A burger is in my hands as I have just taken a bite, and have begun to chew it.  I am looking sideways at the camera, but I can’t smile because of the food in my mouth.  Still there is a smile playing around my lips.  Kevin’s burger has a bite in it, but sits in the basket as if forgotten as he looks almost skeptically at Anna who is sitting next to him, and is taking the picture, as if to say, “ You are taking this picture now, really?”

 No longer am I the closest to my sister; another has moved into that position, but I am okay with it.  Our relationship has matured to where I know that Kevin is more important to her, but I know that I am still her brother and one of her best friends.  In the picture Kevin is closer, but I am there too.  Our friendship is still important enough that she brings me with her and Kevin on a trip into the city.

These photographs show the development of my relationship with my sister, whether it was intended or not.  Which is why photography is so important, because you may not remember how you once felt about a person until you see a picture of you two together, like in my first picture.  Through photography you can see a change of feelings and a development of friendship over time, like in my case.

reflections upon a mattress

A Learning Experience.

_

Made me feel like a fish out of water.

24 songs in two months?

More hours spent practicing than in my senior year of high school.

Awful/awkward time signatures. (5/4??!!)

Awful/awkward key signatures. (G♭??!!)

Always tired; no life.

Having to get over my pride.

Threats of carpal tunnel.

Having to be okay with only playing melody or RH in many songs.

Not getting to work with the students as much as I'd've liked.

Living on Spaghetti O's and frozen pizza.  Seriously.

+

Challenged me to push the limits of my ability.

Pressured me to excel.

Reintroduced me to my second love, piano.

Reminded me of the thrill of performing.

Let me contribute to theatre, albeit in the background.

Acquainted me with some awesome individuals and educators from the community.

Expanded my social circle.

Caused me to think and act outside myself, and my box. 

Networking/foot-in-the-door.

Reminded me that I do love teaching, and love teaching secondary ed.

Taught me to count measures.

Taught me 5/4 time.

Taught me glissandi.

Taught me to think of piano as a part of a whole.

Taught me to listen.

stuff my kids said [3/29]

Playing outside:

I can do a hopsketch.

Birthdays:

My birthday is on 7.  (Oh that's cool - what month?) I don't know.  On my 7 birthday, I will be 4.

Coloring:

This is kind of pig color.

(One kid:) Oh, pretty!  How did you do that?  (Other kid:) Imaginations.  Just... imaginations.

Name-calling:

I call YOU an instrument!  So, I'll throw you in the instrument trash.

"Reading" a book:

Owls singed along with baby secrets... run says Bambi-lash... run, run!  A mouse!  Run for dearest minals!  NOW we're safe in the barn!

Original songs:

Three little bunnies swinging on a tree...

Concerning animals:

Do daddy dinosaurs have moustaches?

I'm going to be a dog when I grow up!  

a tale of two hamlets

Forgive the corniness of the title.  It gave me great joy.

So, long story short: Petco killed our Hamlet.

Long story long:

We hadn't had him a week, most days he slept and shook, then, he was freaking out: 

flipping all over his cage and biting himself.

We realized he didn't have any fur left on his front legs, and his mouth wouldn't close.

He seriously looked possessed.

After trying to treat him ourselves with a homemade remedy for mites (it wasn't mites),

we took him back to Petco, where they bought him back and sent him to the vet.

...FOUR WEEKS LATER...

I get a phone call (yesterday) telling me he's finished his last round of meds and is ready to be picked up!

JOY OF JOYS!

Today, Kev and I drive down (~30 miles away) to pick up our Ham.

We enter the store.

We approach a salesperson.

We tell her we're here for our hamster.

She rolls her eyes, and begrudgingly speaks to us.

"Yeah, he didn't make it."

...

Wait - what?

Apparently he had died yesterday.  After the phone call was made.

We didn't get any sort of call telling us the poor little guy "didn't make it."

Now, I'm confused.  

When we had him admitted, the salesperson said it was because we purchased the wrong bedding and it was choking him; the salesperson was supposed to have told us which bedding to use.

...

I'm still really wanting a hamster, though, so we head home (quite upset), 

and stop at a PetSmart on the way.

Their selection of hamsters was pleasing, and we picked out a replacement Hamlet.

This one is active: running all around his cage and in his wheel and drinking water and doing the whole circulation again.

We ask the salesperson what type of bedding to use; he points it out to us; it's the same thing we used for Hamlet I, which supposedly had KILLED HIM.

As we go through the paperwork with the salesperson, 

he explains that all of their animals are "vet assured".

...

Conclusion: 

Petco sold us a defective, already sick hamster.

That, or he found out he would have to come home to us and decided to end it.

Rest in peace, Hamlet I.

All hail and long live Hamlet II!

stuff my kids said [3/23]

This edition is dedicated to one of my favorite five-year-olds.

Wednesday was his last day, and no one told me, so I didn't get to say goodbye!  :(

Anatomy:

Guess what I love to make you strong?  MUSCLES.  I love muscles.

Pronunciation:

My bike goes berry sast! ("Very fast!")

No I amn't!  (A contraction of "am not" -- I think she's onto something, personally.)

...Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, twenty... 3D! 

Coloring:

Holy cow you're good.   It takes practice, hon. Yeah, you start like a baby, just scribbling.  And then you get gooder and gooder and gooder and gooder and then you get good like Miss Anna!

My triangle looks like a little Santa hat. 

That yellow's a little dirty.  Well.  That's just the way God made it, I guess. 

Epiphanies:

Hey!  Excuse me!  I spelled my whole name!

You're not a teacher, you're a girl kid!

Definitions:

'Serious' means she doesn't really know me, or something.

Do you know what 'extinct' means?  It means all your skin rolls off and it's just bones.  You can't touch extinct animals - they're scratchy claws.

Reality:

Anyway, I like popcorn.  EVERYONE likes popcorn.  Besides, who doesn't like popcorn?

Who is it? A dad with really big nose hairs (said by another kid).  Is it my mom?

I have a bunch of rocks for my mom and they're shiny.   

I get tired of running and running and running... ME: You can sit down and rest for a bit!  Ok, thanks! 

I'll tell you how tall T-Rexes are with my hand.  THIS tall. 

I'm so hungry that I want to eat the trees. 

My birthday is far away, in California. 

That's smaller than a baby?  YUCK!  Babies are disgusting! 

Geography, a conversation:

I live in the mountains! I live in Africa!  Well... I mean, Greyfox Drive.  It means a grey fox.  They are so cute. 

 Putting shoes on the right feet:

If I was a big girl, and I had them on, I'd have them on wrong!

Compliments:

Are those your sunglasses, Miss Anna?  I like the design.  The frames look like they're from a volcano. 

stuff my kids said [3/16]

Some of these are ones I just stumbled upon in my notebook (not a moleskine, for those who care) from December.  Still good.  These don't expire.  :)  But unfortunately, my memory for context does... so I am just going to list these ones.

We don't do these kinds of craps.

Tim Tebow is the awesome guy.  Also, I cheer for Tim Tebow... and play with him.

Two Tebow!  Tebowhead!

Miss Anna, you need lipstick on when you have chapstick.  You need lipstick.  You do, you do.

Do you know what girls call chapstick?  Lipstick.

I need to tell you something very important about it.  He lives on a cloud.

And if you don't have a teacher, you don't know what to do!  And don't know how to play with anybody!

One time, my gramma ate a whole bunny and she got sick.  A whole Easter bunny!  

Birds can be brown or purple.

Floose!  It means to blow.  Floose your hair... floose your nose!  

Do you want to hear a soft song?  ...The cat licks the girl... And there's an angel song. But you have to dance.

Guess what happened the first time I had a sandwich!

If you lick your face, it'll make your face even more red!  Maybe it's because your tongue is red.

My mommy and daddy are done growing, but now their brain is growing. 

Coloring:

It's a poodle fish.  Part French poodle, part fish!

This is a father face! (Complete with beard and no smile)

When...:

When the sun goes down!  But that means it's going to be dark!

When I go home, I'm going to go home... put my new jacket on!  I got a new jacket!  It's comfortable!  I won't see you in the fall.  Because I'll be six and we're not best friends.

My mom always makes ice cream cake when I'm asleep.

I-statements:

I do NOT like shoes from Target.  I will NOT get shoes from Target.

I have a Mama Mia movie at my house - it's not scary at all!

I have too much cups at my house!  (Too many?) Yea- NO.  Too MUCH.

I am... wet in the pants.

Every book I get from the library YOU are going to read.

I wanna show you running over my hand with the bike.  (He did, and he started crying.)

Miss Anna-statements:

Miss Anna, you're four.  Actually, I'm four.

Miss Anna, is that how a princess sings? (I was humming under my breath whilst coloring.  Apparently so!)

Miss Anna - you can come to my birthday; I live in Colorado!

Overheard conversations:

Do you have a brother? No, only a sister. Do you play tackle football downstairs? No, we don't even have a football.

How about we have the dinosaur party RIGHT HERE.  No, I want to go to the car show. 

to do: read Gen-Rev

Kevin and I have begun reading through the Bible again!  Instead of going book-by-book as per usual, we'll be going through it chronologically.  To see/steal/use/judge the plan we'll be following, click here!

being light

At one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. 

Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in 

all that is good and right and true)

and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 

making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Ephesians 5:8-10, 15-16

Remember this post? It is in the same spirit that I reflect on my attitudes and behavior now, just a few weeks later.  I think it's right and good to have checkpoints for yourself.  Otherwise, how can progress be made?

Just as I proactively guard what I expose myself to (whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, etc), and how that affects my thought-life, I've got to monitor what my outward actions - my "walk" - looks like.  How will anyone know that I am in the light if the only light that I let affect me is all in my head?  It's got to manifest itself outwardly!  Others should be able to see a difference!

And lately, I fear that has not been the case.

I fear that I love too much about my life to really let God be God. That (mis)placement messes everything up.  If I don't let God have His place of sovereignty - of authority - in my life, I put myself and my desires in His place.  Actions follow mindset.  I do not, therefore, obey God, but myself and what I want and think is best for my life (read: selfishness, sinfulness, pride).  And how can that but manifest itself in my behavior?  I do really well sometimes, in submitting to God's will, but lately I haven't been satisfied in that.  I want more.  It doesn't really matter more of what, exactly... but my state of discontentedness is not consistent with a lifestyle of light.  

One of my favorite psalms of David (one that I go back to time and time again for conviction, for comfort, for wisdom, and for encouragement) is Psalm 16.  Hear what he has to say about this.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord;

I have no good apart from you."

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:1-2, 5-6, 11

Do I believe that?

Do I truly believe that He is the only good I have?  Do I believe that He is enough?  That He is the way to peace and joy?  That pleasure, even, is found only in Him and the things that He gives?  That He has shown me the path that I must walk, and has made me capable of walking that way?  

Along with guarding myself from the worldview portrayed by the media, I have to choose to choose God above myself and what I naturally desire, what I think will bring me satisfaction and pleasure.  

I must "set the LORD always before me; 

[and] because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken!" 

Psalm 16:8

Then, and only then, can I live a life apart.  Only then can people see my life, my walk, my attitudes and behavior and say that I am and child of light.  I love the quote attributed to Ghandi: Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Only then, can I be that change.  Left to my own devices, I am nothing if not incapable.

"But Your Name alone we bring to remembrance": Thoughts on Joseph Kony, Invisible Children, and YHVH

I was going to kind of keep my mouth shut about this one, in all honesty.  It's a hot topic, and an important one, and I thought I'd keep my thoughts to myself.  But this is too good, and too important, to pass up.  Hear this.

Background Pt. 1

After a rather rough couple of days, I feel spiritually low.  I realize it's because I haven't spent any time reading my Bible.  I have had closeness with God through prayer (for myself and others, which is great for relationship), but little truth has been poured into my life.  And I haven't sought it out.  I feel the absence, the discomfort, the... unbalancedness.  (That word, alone, perfectly describes what it is and how I feel.)

Background Pt. 2

Last night, I had an interesting talk with a friend about Kony 2012 and the Invisible Children initiative.  To be perfectly frank, I have mixed feelings about the entire discussion: Facebook exploding with statuses, the videos, the articles... it's big news.  Make Kony famous.

Background Pt. 3

I'm currently reading a delightful little linguistic tale Born to Kvetch about the Yiddish culture and language.  Fascinating and hilarious stuff, my friends.  (If you're interested, once I'm done, I'll post a review here, on my other blog!)  The chapter I'm in right now discusses the importance of the name of a thing.  "What's in a name?" asks Juliet... "Everything," responds the Hebraic-Yiddish culture.  Contained in an object's name is its very essence.  From a rose, to YHVH - the Name above all Names - if you change a name, you change the very thing.  Therefore because the Name is the very holiness of God, Jews do not speak it, but merely refer to it as the Name, or Adonai (the closest a word can get in majesty and splendor to the Name), and we English speakers, "LORD."

.......

As soon as I got home today from work, I opened the Word, and lo and behold: Isaiah 26 leapt off the page at me.  I encourage you to read it in its gorgeous entirety, but here are a few main points that I had previously underlined.

You keep him in perfect peace 

whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you.

In the path of your judgments, 

O LORD, we wait for you;

Your Name and remembrance

are the desire of our soul.

For when your judgments are in the earth,

the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

If favor is shown to the wicked, 

he does not learn righteousness.

Let them see your zeal for your people,

and be ashamed.

Let the fire for your adversaries consume them.

O LORD our God,

other lords beside you have ruled over us,

but your Name alone we bring to remembrance.

...

Whether you think so or not, these passages speak directly into the issues I described above.  

Firstly, I am promised peace when I place my trust, my hope, my anxieties squarely on Him. Not just peace.  Perfect peace.  The peace that transcends understanding, as Paul says in my favorite passage from the epistle to the church at Philippi.  I need to A) read my Bible, and B) trust that it is true.

Secondly, it is the Lord's Name that we are to uphold, cherish, make famous.  We are to crave His fame, to spread His light to the far reaches of the world - heck, the galaxy... who knows? - and teach the world righteousness.

Thirdly, if that occurs, that His Name is our soul's desire, that His Name is the only word on our lips, that His fame exceed all others... He will teach the unrighteous justice.  He will teach them righteousness.  He will avenge the godly with the "fire for [His] adversaries"!  Trust!  

Now, I while I struggle with the tactics of Invisible Children, I believe the goal is just and the heart of it is in the right place.  I struggle, though.  Make Kony famous?  Call out for justice and righteousness and for those who have no voices of their own - YES!  God, yes!  But.  At what cost?  It is when the LORD's judgments are in the earth that the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.  It is only then that there will be peace, that there will be mercy, that there will be justice.  Truly.  

We must have balance.

We must have care.

We must have priorities appropriately placed.

We must be in the Word.

We must be filled with the Spirit.

We must be in touch with God, casting our cares upon Him, presenting our requests/anxieties/worries upon Him in prayer with thanksgiving.

We must call for justice.

We must trust that He will carry out His will.

We must make His Name great.