what to do when.

I wrote this somewhat depressing post a couple of weeks ago... and thought it would be all right to share now.  I think it's important to see that other people struggle, too.  Have you ever felt like this?

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I asked God for something.  He answered.  And I'm... disappointed.

Has this ever happened to you before?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Let me explain.

Sometimes I pray for things, with a certain expectation in mind.  He responds with 'yes', 'no', or 'wait', right?  That's what we're trained from an early age to receive from God.  Well.  What are you to do when He responds yes, but that yes looks absolutely different from the yes you had in mind?

Lately, I'm struggling to adjust to that idea: that this must be for the best, because God gave it to me.  And yet, I'm so incredibly hurt.  There are (give or take) a million verses that I know by rote that fill my mind - almost literally, like pop-ups on the desktop of my brain.  But they advertise something that I don't want to buy, or am not interested in, or will not bring satisfaction into this situation.  I believe them, because they are true... but I believe them in the sense that I believe Washington was America's first president, that Shakespeare wrote histories and tragedies and comedies, that Michigan became a state in 1837.  I know these factoids to be true, but what does it matter?  The verses that pop up are just factoids.

Did you know?  

In all things, God works for the good of those that love Him 

and have been called according to His purpose!

Guess what!

God knows the plans He has for you! 

Plans to prosper you & not to harm you! 

Plans to give you a hope and a future!

Hey! 

God gives good gifts!

Yes, thank you, I did know that.  Fascinating.  Thanks for the reminder.  But what does that look like for me right now, today, in my life that is undergoing tough and unexpected change?

I realize this sounds cynical.  But I am all too often the optimist.  I am really good at relying on God.  Truly.  But particularly when I ask Him for something specific, and He delivers, but... it's either not what I really wanted, or He, strangely, gave me the wrong side of the coin.  Those of you reading this who know me know this isn't me.  And that's half the struggle.  I don't feel like myself.

Another teaching that's been ingrained in me since before I could grasp any of the reality of the Gospel is that faith is not a feeling.  Yes, right now, I feel somewhat empty and bare.  Like a vacuum, really: any truth that I read or hear or feel just doesn't seem to stick.  It gets lost.  I know that what God requires is obedience, faithfulness despite the obstacles and the feelings that come along with living in a broken world, in broken bodies, with broken minds and hearts.  It's about obedience, blindly following Him and His word.  But, God... it hurts.  You answered yes, and I wanna take it back.