This is something I swore would never happen. Literally. I told Kevin I'd never nevereverrrrr live in Delaware.
And yet, here we are.
How... did this happen?
Oh dear, God knew better.
The first of May marks the fourth month that we've resided in Delaware, the "Small Wonder". (That, I think, is a better nickname than "First State". Better as in more amusing.) And since day one, we have felt nothing but love and welcome and joy and warmth and support at our being here.
Naturally, being near Kevin's family has been an enormous blessing. Thank God for free childcare whenever we want or need. Just three days ago, Christine took Daphne for the afternoon simply so I could nap. What a blessed relief!
More surprising than the benefits of living near family, though, has been the gift of our church. Already. Four months in Delaware, but really only three months at Calvary, and I almost cannot believe the way we were welcomed. It's like, "Oh! This is how a church welcomes, invites, encourages, incorporates, functions...."
What a beautiful thing to see God's people love one another! And what a breath of fresh air to be so taken care of by a body of believers. This has been such a time of healing for Kevin and me, to see that community is not lacking here! I can truly buy into this! I've already met people that I would consider 'good friends'. And that's a big deal.
We have the privilege of living in a house provided for us by the church, and it's no exaggeration to say that it's the perfect situation for us. Kev and I have been able to have people over meals, students over for movies, and friends over for coffee in a way we weren't (or our space wasn't) always capable of in the past. I have had so much fun dreaming and decorating and hosting and chasing Daphne around the rooms! Sometimes Kevin and I are just sitting at our dinner table and we look at each other and say, "I cannot believe we live here."
I think that, even though our situation in Colorado was full of good memories and good people who truly loved us, we have had a lot to heal from, especially in our view of church. I cannot imagine a better place for Kevin and I to reconnect and grow and heal, and for our children to be raised up and be taken care of than here at Calvary Wesleyan. Certainly, this place is made up of as many fallen people as any other place we've been, but we believe in the vision and the leadership and the community and the God who has brought us here. Brought us home.
No, this isn't my journal... but just imagine if it were...
The title of this post is misleading; it's a lyric to one of my favorite songs. Truth is, I look back fairly often. I like to read and reread my old diaries. A lot. Much of it ranges from incredibly irritating... to embarrassing... to outright disturbing, but on occasion, it reminds me of a happy memory that would have otherwise stayed unrecalled.
Such is the case with this entry from September 23, 2008. It's pretty sweet, and as we are coming upon our third anniversary at the end of this month, I thought it appropriate to share: the day I realized I was supposed to marry Kevin. And this, five months before we even started dating, when I was on a self-prescribed "boy fast". It's titled, First Day of Autumn. Enjoy!
Mmmk... so I'm definitely smitten - which isn't at all what I want or need. But Kevin is such a great guy! He helped me out by coming with our group to NYC this past Friday (so I wouldn't have to third-wheel), and all Sunday, I hung out with him and his band... which was awesome. But honestly - if I can flesh this out - he's everything I could want in a boyfriend. I know that's quick judgment, but I'm just so impressed! And I also know that he's very friendly and very comfortable with people - girls especially. But he's such a protector. And I just want to keep getting to know him - and he's so stinkin cute!
I need to prevent myself from being needy. Confidence in myself - who I am as me. Not that when this boy fast is over, I won't have a chance... I just worry so much that if I don't make a move, I'll lose my chance with him. And the thing is, that's not the way God planned it. If we're meant to be together, it's going to happen. How dare I think I can manipulate God and make things work my way?!
I need to calm my childish self down and dwell on what I know to be true. God is in control. There is a cute guy who happens to be my friend. I shouldn't change my behavior in the least. I want the type of guy who is attracted to the type of girl I am - who I am, not what I might change myself to try to be. Sigh. I just want him to be part of my life.
For your viewing pleasure, two pictures taken the week we started dating. As it turns out, we lived happily ever after.
I know it's typically at the end of the year that we reflect and "see how far we've come" and all that, but it seems all too appropriate to express thanks on the day that's set aside specially for giving thanks. We have been so very blessed this year - in some crazy and unexpected ways.
It has been monnnnnths since I've posted, and that's because I was in the midst of transitions. A lot of 'em. And I've been processing through them. Mostly to myself. Or, mostly to Kevin.
Some of these transitions you probably know about. Like being me being pregnant. It was a textbook pregnancy (barring that hiccup of PUPPs at the end that seemed to signal my imminent labor). But in the span of those nine months, Kevin and I have moved twice; had a total of three roommates, a slew of visitors; had issues with finances tax-related, tire-related, rent-related; had changes in our work situations, good and bad; had highs and extreme lows in ministry; and have strained to keep our marriage a priority throughout it all. Bear in mind, all this with my overload of hormones and a natural bent toward deep introversion.
I stopped singing. I stopped reading. I stopped journaling. I stopped trying. I watched Friends for hours upon hours. I cleaned like I was certifiable. I sulked and whimpered and lamented the state of things. I tried to buck up. I tried to power through. I tried to submit to God's will, which clearly all of these transitions were. I tried to be transparent with Kevin and my close friends. I tried to be an understanding, gracious, loving person. But I just wasn't… feeling it. During this time of huge transition, in this regard, nothing changed. I had a bad attitude, secretly or not-so-secretly, for nine months.
Then, a week before our precious miracle, Daphne Rose, was born, I realized that none of this was me. None of this was mine. Not my house(s), not my time, not my money, not my job, not my ministry, not my friendships, not my space, and not my will. These are things that are given to me; I'm a sort of steward not owner of these gifts, responsible for using them for others not selfishly hoarding them till I see fit. Nothing is mine.
And for this, I am grateful. It takes all the pressure off, doesn't it? When I don't have to question how I "use my resources"? It's answered for me. Use them for others. God gives me permission to bend over backward for people: it's not just something I'm allowed to do when I'm on the clock at Starbucks, where customer service is actually everything. I'm allowed to serve others without reservation, without expectation of return, and without thought for my personal convenience, or even happiness.
This newfound understanding was the pièce de résistance to my nesting. This home is prepared, as much as it can be, for the arrival of our daughter. And by home, I - of course - mean myself. If I'm not willing to sacrifice all for this child, what am I doing with this life? Who am I?
So, I am overwhelmingly grateful.
I'm grateful for the transitions.
I'm grateful for the hardships.
I'm grateful for a husband who stands up to me, prods me, but doesn't take my feelings for granted.
I'm grateful for a healthy, beautiful, precious baby girl (I can't get enough of her! Thanks for letting me plaster your newsfeeds with so many pictures)!
I'm grateful for learning experiences: roommates, financial decisions, and communication with friends.
I'm grateful for supportive family members and friends who in turn encourage and admonish me.
I'm grateful for times to reflect, evaluate, redirect, and move forward.
Now, as I look toward the end of the year, Kevin and I are settling down in our home sans roommate, avec baby. After nine months of transition, we are landing somewhere. Settling down. And we are receiving blessing upon blessing with the understanding that it's all for the purpose of giving it away.
And now, another picture of my adorable little pink princess. Just for fun. :)
But seriously, I have such a hard time with goals. Meeting goals, that is. Making them is fairly easy. I get distracted. I unprioritize and reprioritize. I get lazy. I don't wanna read x amount of books, or write x amount of sonnets. Let's see how this year goes, then, when I make goals that are less easily measured.
Talk on the phone more, and in doing so, defeat my fear of the thing.
Stop saying the word "annoying", and in doing so, be less easily annoyed. (It's good in theory.)
Do not complain, whine, or gossip. Ever. (Except maybe to Kevin. That's basically like talking to myself.)
Finish all the books I left half-done in 2012. There are quite a few of 'em.
Read more fiction.
Read more classics.
Play and teach piano. (Seriously. This one is happening, and I'm a bit nervous about it!)
Take voice lessons again. (Yikes! If I can find the time for it, I wanna make this one happen!)
Move into a house!
Be a better wife and friend.
Support and encourage Kevin. (Sometimes I forget he has to verbally process and dream.)
Write more letters.
Spend more structured time praying and in the Scriptures.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
So says Jack, my friend and pedagogue, in his The Four Loves. And I find this to be true. You may have read one of my previous posts sharing part of my story about finding God and what it means to let Him love me. It is one thing to be vulnerable before the Almighty God, who will never leave or forsake, but another thing altogether to be vulnerable before another fallible, faulty, and self-serving human being.
Marriage is risky.
I am a messy person. Not externally - like in our home, leaving clothes everywhere, dishes undone, the bathroom mirror ajar - that's his specialty. Inwardly, privately, though, I am a mess. There are unresolved issues that I like to keep to myself. Marriage doesn't really allow that. Not really. All I am is his - including my mess. And vice versa.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Vulnerable can mean "to be open to attack." Completely exposed. Messes bared. Wholly at the mercy of someone else. What a risk.
What a risk to place yourself in dependence of another, to willingly subject yourself to someone who is not you. Who does not think as you do. Who has not experienced what you have, and may not understand that.
What a risk to invest your energy, will and emotion, and your very life to a person who will break your heart without trying or thinking.
What a risk to know that you are in that same position to him, in a position to so easily break his heart, though he may not ponder the situation as analytically as you do.
Let me finish the paragraph I started at the top:
There is no safe investment.
To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact,
you must give your heart to no one,
not even to an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;
avoid all entanglements;
lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.
it will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.
The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe
from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
You see? The opposite of vulnerability is impenetrability. Refusing to be vulnerable is refusing to be understood. You are completely inaccessible. The fear of being vulnerable is similar to the fear of being unloved, but at the expense of being known. If you are unknown by the one that you love (or fear to love), there is no hope for love in the relationship at all. And this shortcoming is magnified in marriage.
Marriage is a religion. It is a devotion founded on faith and trust and love, but based upon the love of Christ for each individual rather than the individual's ability to love on his or her own. Perhaps, then, it is a parable for religion. It is not safe; it is profoundly risky. And that's love. That's life.
I'm going to let you in on a little piece of Anna Trivits history here. It's strange because as a sort of chronic over-sharer in my early years of college, there are not many people nowadays that know my story. Or the importance of this day - October 11 - five years ago.
Five years ago, I was a freshman at Philadelphia Biblical University (now Cairn University). There's more backstory that I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I was floundering.
My heart had been broken that summer, a traumatizing experience for an eighteen-year-old girl, and I entered school not knowing who I was, what I was worth, and I had about had it with God. You see, during that summer, when my heart was broken, I determined to (in my own words) "see what I was saved from". That meant nearly open rebellion against my parents, against my standards, and against my faith. I felt I hadn't yet lived, so I set about living.
Apparently what I thought that meant, though, was destructive relationships. I'll gloss over details, because in truth you can probably imagine what that entailed.
And five years ago, I realized I was reaching my limit. I was being stretched too thin. And it was beginning to show. Here's an excerpt from my journal:
I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a few years now... and everything's just coming to a head (at this point, I had passed out in the shower twice). What it boils down to is how much I value other people's opinions of myself. If they don't approve of me, I don't approve of me. And this new environment has just intensified my insecurities. I wish I just had the strength and the confidence to be just unapologetically ME.
Later:
I've been so encouraged by the response of family and friends - my mom called Oasis Counseling Center and I'm meeting with the Baron today... in about 40 minutes. This should also be a good thing, although I'm incredibly nervous and embarrassed to be seeking help for this.
And later:
Well, much has happened, I guess. I've met with my counselor twice now, and according to my intake survey, I have clinical depression. I may be seeing a doctor in a month or so, if things don't improve. I'm just not really sure how I'm supposed to respond to this information.
After several sessions, it became more and more apparent that my depression stemmed from standards that I felt I could never measure up to, and from ever-increasing guilt because of those standards and my decisions the past summer. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was Just Not Good Enough. In another journal entry, I wrote about when I told my counselor The Story of my heartbreak. She asked me how I could tell such a story and remain so calm and composed, but as I processed that, it seemed to me that I deserved much of what heartbreak came my way. I had put myself into those situations knowing full well what I was getting into. And this mentality continued for me, for a little while.
Five years ago, the weekend of the PBU Homecoming (which was this past weekend, in fact), I was about ready to end it all. Another failed and foolish relationship pushed me beyond the limit, and I wanted to punish myself for my stupidity, for once again not being good enough. Fortunately, I had the good sense to tell someone about what I felt prepared to do. This friend may never know that he rescued me from the brink that night, but I am ever grateful to him.
A few days later, my journal read: Yesterday was good. Today is better. I am so thankful for amazing friends and godly examples and advice. I want, more than anything in the world, to give my life to Him.
You see? I still hadn't figured it out. I was still living apart from God, from the One who so desired to fix me, heal my broken heart. My identity, my morality, and my very self was yet unsurrendered to Him. Because, of course, I felt I could never be good enough.
And that's when it all changed. Almost on a whim, two new friends invited me to a concert with them and their circle (the Heritage Hall loungers, as I once referred to them before I was a part of their group). It was a Bebo Norman, Bethany Dillon, and Shane and Shane concert at the University of Delaware. I felt a bit out of my element, new people, new friends and all, and my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was going, whom I still "hated". But it was music, and it was getting out of my dorm, so I went. I needed it.
The show was good (if you know anything about the musicians I mentioned above, that is understatement), but at the very end of Shane and Shane's set, they played their (then) new song: Embracing Accusation. And I wept. I gave my heart, wholly, to the Lord. I began to believe the truth that they sang, scripture.
You'll understand once you hear the song.
I'll let Shane Bernard explain the rest.
Listen to his story. The full song, with lyrics, is the second video.
-- In 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting the Shanes and letting them know what their song means to me, and how it changed my life. --
Galatians 3:10
For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them."
Galatians 3:13
Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree."
On this day in history: October 11, 2007, I surrendered. I raised the white flag and leapt into His arms. And now I'm free.
I read two articles today.
They happened to be on a topic I am wrestling through as I hope to find the appropriate, loving, Christian response.
Read them. Think through these things with me. Pray about it. I'm going to, too.
So... most of you know that my little brother is one of my best friends in the entire world.
This is an essay he wrote his freshman year of college about our friendship.
Now that he's graduating, it just seemed appropriate.
I LOVE YOU, AUDIE!
The human mind is not photographic, which is why the idea of photography is appealing. It allows a person to capture a moment in a picture so they can always remember that event. But the photographs don’t just show the event; if you look closely you can see the relationship between the characters. Then by looking at later pictures you can begin to observe a change or development in that relationship. Such is the case with my sister, Anna, and I.
We are sitting in the back seat of a mini van as we drive down the highway. Both furious with the other, arms crossed, brows furrowed, and bodies positioned in opposite directions as if we don’t want to be any where close to the other. Unfortunately, we are buckled in right next to each other. Anna stares huffily out the window of the car, and I glare at the ground. It is as we don’t exist to each other, and in our eyes you see the angry determination never to acknowledge the other’s presence ever again. The enmity between us couldn’t be clearer. The caption to the picture ironically says, “Can’t you tell we’re best friends?”
So why then did my mother choose this moment to remember with a picture? She took the picture because it captured our childhood relationship. Anna is two years older than me, so as an older sister she had to demonstrate that she knew more than I did, and had authority over me. I was a strong willed younger brother, who had to defy her “authority”. I would often tease her because she is a girl, and that is what you do to girls.
I am not sure why we are so upset in this picture: perhaps we had argued, called each other names, or had gotten each other in trouble. It shows our pettiness, and our immaturity, and like many other siblings at this stage of life, we loved each other, but we didn’t like each other. Our relationship up through middle school was bumpy to say the least; we would constantly bicker and squabble over every little thing.
Then I entered high school, and Anna began to drive me to school, and it was just the two of us in the car for half an hour every day. It was then when our relationship began to develop. Our attitudes had changed 180 degrees. No longer were we ignoring each other’s existence; we were as close as we could be, both relationally and literally.
Our faces fill the frame and are pressed together, with eyes level and cheeks touching. Anna smiles widely at the camera, and I smile a little shyly, though both of our eyes alight with happiness. It is a far cry from the previous picture where our whole bodies were turned and we where scowling in opposite directions. Now both our faces and our bodies are facing in towards each other. She goes up on her tip toes so that her face can be level with mine, as I am now several inches taller than she is, and she has her arm around my back pulling me in closer for the picture. She is going out of her way to show for the picture how close we are, to show in a picture what our friendship is really like. There is no one else in the picture, and no way for them to get between us. We both wear the staff shirt, because we have decided to work together at a camp.
She is taking this picture because she is going away to college in the fall, and she wants to have a good picture of us together so she can remember our friendship and the summer we had. It is a picture of us at our best and closest moment, so that when she feels lonely, a thousand miles away at college she can look at it and be comforted by our friendship.
Not long after the dynamic of our friendship changed again as a factor is added. Anna met Kevin. They met at her school, and they later got engaged. I was thrilled for Anna and Kevin, because I knew that they really loved each other, but I was a little concerned when things began to get serious between them, because I didn’t know how it would affect my relationship with my sister.
Things did change, and it is evident in the third and final picture. There are two guys in this picture, Kevin and I, and we are both dressed in blue. Kevin is bearded and I am clean-shaven. It is a hot day, which is apparent because my usually straight hair is curly from the humidity. We are sitting at a counter top at a burger joint in the Chicago. A burger is in my hands as I have just taken a bite, and have begun to chew it. I am looking sideways at the camera, but I can’t smile because of the food in my mouth. Still there is a smile playing around my lips. Kevin’s burger has a bite in it, but sits in the basket as if forgotten as he looks almost skeptically at Anna who is sitting next to him, and is taking the picture, as if to say, “ You are taking this picture now, really?”
No longer am I the closest to my sister; another has moved into that position, but I am okay with it. Our relationship has matured to where I know that Kevin is more important to her, but I know that I am still her brother and one of her best friends. In the picture Kevin is closer, but I am there too. Our friendship is still important enough that she brings me with her and Kevin on a trip into the city.
These photographs show the development of my relationship with my sister, whether it was intended or not. Which is why photography is so important, because you may not remember how you once felt about a person until you see a picture of you two together, like in my first picture. Through photography you can see a change of feelings and a development of friendship over time, like in my case.
It's been a while since I've blogged about... anything, really. Besides just my records of the hilarious and/or insightful things my kids say at the preschool. So. Here's why.
I'm not sure exactly why I do this to myself. I guess I just figure that I have "all the time in the world" now that I'm out of college, and living "real life". Au contraire! If I thought I was busy then - a 20-credit undergrad student, working at 20 hour/week job, trying to have some semblance of a social life - what am I doing to myself NOW? Let me give you the run-down of what my "semester" looks like this year:
- Working full-time at Starbucks.
- Working part-time at Evergreen Academy.
- Being a housewife (seriously - I'm making a career out of doing laundry, dishes, cooking, etc) and loving on my husband, keeping that relationship real.
- Being an obedient servant of God (all that that entails, some listed below, some just having to do with my personal spiritual life... this is a relationship that demands up-keep, as well!)
- Being a friend and mentor (I have more of a social life now than I ever did in college - what?!)
- Singing and playing piano for Saturday evening services at our church.
- Supporting Kevin and the youth group by attending Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings (mostly regularly).
- Taking an online course at Red Rocks (it's a 101, but still is work).
- Working on learning 15 new songs to be the piano accompanist for the spring musical at the local high school (boy, am I rusty - but excited for the challenge and the chance to get involved with the youth!)
- Trying to finish this 700 pg book... just to be DONE with it already!
- And now because Kev and I have decided that what I need is more peer-fellowship - I'm joining a Bible study with a friend and some other ladies down the mountain.
This is my life, guys. I love it. I love what I do, my friends, my life. Truly. But I feel like I'm killing myself sometimes. Like, I never have time to breathe. I have days off, obviously, but those days are taken up with all the other busyness I have to "get done". It's so easy for me to get overwhelmed and stressed and take it out on people closest to me (i.e: Kevin). Not good!
So, here are some things I need to be constantly reminding myself.
These are the things I know:
- This is a 101 course. I can and will get a decent grade, basically despite my best efforts to the contrary.
- I am good at playing piano, and after I acquaint myself with the songs a bit more, I'll be fine.
- I cannot take out my stress on Kevin.
- Adarae is coming to visit me in five days and will make everything better! (Plus, days off work!)
- God is faithful, and I am able to please Him by my obedience in the little things as well as the big things.
- I cannot always please everyone - so I can't beat myself up for failing in the little things, asking forgiveness, etc. I cannot let my fear of letting others down affect my day-to-day.
- I can love people in little ways that make a big difference.
- I can organize and prioritize: Do what matters most first.
I'm thankful for a number of things, these days. Briefly:
I'm thankful for new beginnings. To not only be who I want to be, but be who I am. And be completely accepted, loved, and encouraged. Unlike when I went off to PBU (and I was confused about who I was, whose I was, and where I was going), I am here with support. Not only am I "claimed" by Kevin, I am certain of my state before the Lord. With that, I have confidence, I have opportunity to share that.
I'm thankful for our youth group. The other night, we had our first youth group party at our apartment: A Grinch-themed Christmas Party. It was so much fun! Although our apartment is small, the food was good, the games were fun, and the fellowship was sweet. I am so looking forward to getting to know these kids more! Definitely looking forward to our retreat in January!
I'm thankful for the Jewish faith. Romans 9 says, "They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises. To them belong the patriarchs, and from their race, according to the flesh, is the Messiah who is God over all, blessed forever. Amen." Kevin and I have begun a "new" tradition (new for our family, that is): celebrating Chanukah. We have our beautiful, pristine menorah... had to look up how to actually observe the holiday... and though we're not giving gifts each day and not being technically "Jewish" about the whole thing (yet!), we observe the miracle of Chanukah by lighting the candles. And we are able to observe it with the greater, deeper meaning and fulfillment in Christ.
Isaiah 2:5
O house of Jacob,
come, let us walk
in the light of the LORD
John 1:9-11, 4-5
The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own did not receive him. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
In the same vein, I'm thankful for the gift of Jesus. (Understatement of my entire life!) Although the "biggest" holiday of the faith is Easter Sunday - for if Christ had not been raised, we are of all people most to be pitied - I like my college professor's take on the topic. Jesus' life was a Christ event. One major event could not have happened without the other: if He had not been born, He could not have died; if He had not died, He could not have been resurrected, etc. I am thankful that He humbled Himself and came in our form. The author of Hebrews puts it this way: Therefore, he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. He is our Savior, He is our High Priest, He is our Hope. And it is His birth we will celebrate tomorrow. God-made-man. The radiance of God the Father in an infant, human body. This day is the start of something new, something permanent and perfect. For He came to die - and His sacrifice is our hope! Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful!
Tell me these cards aren't the cutest things you've seen this holiday season...
I'm thankful for notes of encouragement. One of my goals for this year was to stay in touch with friends (near & far!) via post. I've been able to keep that up with at least two of my dear friends since moving out here to CO. And today - joy of joys! - I received one such note from this precious soul. I cannot express how much I a) enjoy getting mail, b) delight in my friend's beautiful mind, and c) need to hear the things she has to say. I miss her, and treasure the little taste of what we had in honest prayer and conversation on the bottom bunk in our room last year. I love being loved, and loved well.
Do yourself a favor and send someone a card this Christmas. Not just a sign-your-name-at-the-bottom-of-a-cliche-Christmas-message type of card. A personal one. Encourage someone. Do it.
