Friday, December 6, 2013

i don't look back much, as a rule

No, this isn't my journal... but just imagine if it were...

The title of this post is misleading; it's a lyric to one of my favorite songs.  Truth is, I look back fairly often.  I like to read and reread my old diaries.  A lot.  Much of it ranges from incredibly irritating... to embarrassing... to outright disturbing, but on occasion, it reminds me of a happy memory that would have otherwise stayed unrecalled.  

Such is the case with this entry from September 23, 2008.  It's pretty sweet, and as we are coming upon our third anniversary at the end of this month, I thought it appropriate to share: the day I realized I was supposed to marry Kevin.  And this, five months before we even started dating, when I was on a self-prescribed "boy fast".  It's titled, First Day of Autumn.  Enjoy!
Mmmk... so I'm definitely smitten - which isn't at all what I want or need.  But Kevin is such a great guy!  He helped me out by coming with our group to NYC this past Friday (so I wouldn't have to third-wheel), and all Sunday, I hung out with him and his band... which was awesome.  But honestly - if I can flesh this out - he's everything I could want in a boyfriend.  I know that's quick judgment, but I'm just so impressed!  And I also know that he's very friendly and very comfortable with people - girls especially.  But he's such a protector.  And I just want to keep getting to know him - and he's so stinkin cute!
I need to prevent myself from being needy.  Confidence in myself - who I am as me.  Not that when this boy fast is over, I won't have a chance... I just worry so much that if I don't make a move, I'll lose my chance with him.  And the thing is, that's not the way God planned it.  If we're meant to be together, it's going to happen.  How dare I think I can manipulate God and make things work my way?!
I need to calm my childish self down and dwell on what I know to be true.  God is in control.  There is a cute guy who happens to be my friend.  I shouldn't change my behavior in the least.  I want the type of guy who is attracted to the type of girl I am - who I am, not what I might change myself to try to be.  Sigh.  I just want him to be part of my life.
For your viewing pleasure, two pictures taken the week we started dating.
As it turns out, we lived happily ever after.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

everything has changed: or, i have plenty to be thankful for


Happy Thanksgiving from the Trivits family!

I know it's typically at the end of the year that we reflect and "see how far we've come" and all that, but it seems all too appropriate to express thanks on the day that's set aside specially for giving thanks.  We have been so very blessed this year - in some crazy and unexpected ways.

It has been monnnnnths since I've posted, and that's because I was in the midst of transitions.  A lot of 'em.  And I've been processing through them.  Mostly to myself.  Or, mostly to Kevin.

Some of these transitions you probably know about.  Like being me being pregnant.  It was a textbook pregnancy (barring that hiccup of PUPPs at the end that seemed to signal my imminent labor).  But in the span of those nine months, Kevin and I have moved twice; had a total of three roommates, a slew of visitors; had issues with finances tax-related, tire-related, rent-related; had changes in our work situations, good and bad; had highs and extreme lows in ministry; and have strained to keep our marriage a priority throughout it all.  Bear in mind, all this with my overload of hormones and a natural bent toward deep introversion.  

I stopped singing.  I stopped reading.  I stopped journaling. I stopped trying.  I watched Friends for hours upon hours.  I cleaned like I was certifiable.  I sulked and whimpered and lamented the state of things.  I tried to buck up.  I tried to power through.  I tried to submit to God's will, which clearly all of these transitions were.  I tried to be transparent with Kevin and my close friends.  I tried to be an understanding, gracious, loving person.  But I just wasn't… feeling it.  During this time of huge transition, in this regard, nothing changed.  I had a bad attitude, secretly or not-so-secretly, for nine months.  

Then, a week before our precious miracle, Daphne Rose, was born, I realized that none of this was me.  None of this was mine.  Not my house(s), not my time, not my money, not my job, not my ministry, not my friendships, not my space, and not my will.  These are things that are given to me; I'm a sort of steward not owner of these gifts, responsible for using them for others not selfishly hoarding them till I see fit.  Nothing is mine.  

And for this, I am grateful.  It takes all the pressure off, doesn't it?  When I don't have to question how I "use my resources"?  It's answered for me.  Use them for others.  God gives me permission to bend over backward for people: it's not just something I'm allowed to do when I'm on the clock at Starbucks, where customer service is actually everything.  I'm allowed to serve others without reservation, without expectation of return, and without thought for my personal convenience, or even happiness.  

This newfound understanding was the pièce de résistance to my nesting.  This home is prepared, as much as it can be, for the arrival of our daughter.  And by home, I - of course - mean myself.  If I'm not willing to sacrifice all for this child, what am I doing with this life?  Who am I?

So, I am overwhelmingly grateful.

I'm grateful for the transitions.
I'm grateful for the hardships.
I'm grateful for a husband who stands up to me, prods me, but doesn't take my feelings for granted.
I'm grateful for a healthy, beautiful, precious baby girl (I can't get enough of her! Thanks for letting me plaster your newsfeeds with so many pictures)!
I'm grateful for learning experiences: roommates, financial decisions, and communication with friends.
I'm grateful for supportive family members and friends who in turn encourage and admonish me.
I'm grateful for times to reflect, evaluate, redirect, and move forward.

Now, as I look toward the end of the year, Kevin and I are settling down in our home sans roommate, avec baby.  After nine months of transition, we are landing somewhere.  Settling down.  And we are receiving blessing upon blessing with the understanding that it's all for the purpose of giving it away.



 And now, another picture of my adorable little pink princess.  Just for fun.  :)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

baby triv

Baby Trivits!
Due Nov 18!
(Lord willing!)

As you may or may not have seen or heard, Kevin and I are expecting!  We are incredibly excited and are absolutely overjoyed/overwhelmed that God would bless and trust us with this enormous responsibility.  

I realize a blog post is neither necessary nor consequential to many/most/all of you... but I wanted to give a heads up as to what you can expect from me, an expectant mother (oh, wow).  Or maybe, rather, what you can not expect.

Please do not expect me to post:
Tummy pictures... (monthly, or ever - yuck! I'm doing you a favor.)
Ultrasound pictures... (although I know my mom already posted one... I'll let that one slide... haha)
Any gratuitous statuses about cravings, morning sickness, and babies babies babies... (one of my goals for this year was to cut down on "public" complaining/whining, and I know no one cares that all I really want to eat is apple sauce and oatmeal.)

Don't get me wrong, I realize that it is good and healthy and appropriate and exciting to gush your newfound joy over being pregnant and the thought of having a child in the near future.  But seeing friend after pregnant friend plastering their news (and, may I say, rather personal and private business) all over facebook while until very recently, Kevin and I had struggled with the fact that we - seemingly - were not able to have a baby... it's actually rather hurtful.  I know I still have plenty of friends in that stage (waiting to conceive), and those who are struggling through/with infertility.  I want to be so very, very sensitive to that.  

It's ironic that two weeks ago, I was in the process of writing a blog about our inability to conceive, addressing those of you who rather indiscreetly and carelessly (however unintentionally) "gloat" over your blessed news... and the day after, I discovered I was pregnant.  So, while that blog will not be posted, I hope that the spirit of it is clearly established.

Basically, I don't want to be an annoying pregnant girl who rubs it in the faces of all I'm friends with.  I don't want to clog up a newsfeed.  I don't want to cause anyone to despair because I'm in a different situation than they are. 

But, all that being said, PLEASE:  Congratulate us!  Pray for us!  Rejoice with us!  But... do it in person.  Or send me a text or email or handwritten card!  Let's be more personal with all this personal stuff.  
Soli Deo Gloria!

Monday, February 11, 2013

faretheewell

This morning, I am saddened to hear the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI: a man I believe to be a truly great Christian leader, with such influence, in this ever-darkening world.  Having read his Jesus of Nazareth trilogy this past year, I found myself inspired by his compassion and heart for the world, his devotion to Scripture and orthodoxy, and his personal relationship with his Savior Jesus Christ.  

Having not paid much attention to the former bishop of Rome (to my detriment, I think; I was young, not denominationally Catholic, etc), I'm sorry that I cannot speak to Pope John Paul II's greatness.  However, I do know that the Church is losing yet another godly man as shepherd in Joseph Ratzinger.  I pray that the man who succeeds him will be in the same spirit and direction.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

he's just not that into you


This movie...
While hugely entertaining, and a rather incisive view into our generation's view of relationships and dating...
Angers me on so many levels.

The dating stuff, I think, is true.  Accurate, and relatable.
But the view portrayed of marriage is disheartening. 
(Understatement.)

Just two quotes to consider:
People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others. 
OK. There was this guy who worked in my dad's printing business. Married for 15 years to a nice lady. And then he meets this woman at some church event. And he told my dad he just had never felt anything like it before. I mean, he had finally met the love of his life. So, he divorced his wife, and he's been with this other woman for 22 years and they are blissfully happy. I mean, what if you meet the love of your life - but you already married someone else? Are you supposed to pass them by?
As a young-married that sees and experiences the sometimes daily struggle to remain faithful in marriage, I find this generation (and the generation or two before us) just doesn't get it.  That marriage means commitment.  Faithfulness.  For life.

It's not about finding personal happiness.
It's about making a choice to stay with the one you've committed to, to contribute and work towards one another's personal happiness.
It's not a selfish thing.
It's not about giving up once you've found the 'love of your life' after you say I do.  
It's about forsaking all others.
And it's difficult.

It's hard in this day and age when we're bombarded with movies like this that glamorize sexy affairs and selfish relationships.  It hurts my heart, and causes me to despair.  Because I, too, selfishly want that.  Romance that is forbidden.  New and exciting relationships.  

But I'm not stupid.  And I'm not lazy.  I truly buy into the idea that my husband and I have made a lifetime commitment to each other.  And though it will most certainly take work to keep our relationship exciting and new, I believe that it is worth it.  It makes me sad that other people don't see that.  That marriage is undervalued and misunderstood.

That all being said, the movie ends well.  The dude who has an affair is left by both his mistress and his wife.  And the couple who has been together for years and years finally decides to get married.  "The good end happily, and the bad unhappily.  That is what fiction means," to quote my friend Mr Wilde.  

I, however, fear that the truth is stranger (rather, sadder) than fiction.  In real life, marriage is treated as a temporary institution, one of convenience or fleeting romantic ideals.  But it isn't.  Marriage matters.  Real, life-long commitment and faithfulness matters.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

2013 Goals and Resolutions

Oh Calvin.  You get me.

But seriously, I have such a hard time with goals.  Meeting goals, that is.  Making them is fairly easy.  I get distracted.  I unprioritize and reprioritize.  I get lazy.  I don't wanna read x amount of books, or write x amount of sonnets.  Let's see how this year goes, then, when I make goals that are less easily measured.
  1. Talk on the phone more, and in doing so, defeat my fear of the thing.
  2. Stop saying the word "annoying", and in doing so, be less easily annoyed.  (It's good in theory.)
  3. Do not complain, whine, or gossip.  Ever.  (Except maybe to Kevin.  That's basically like talking to myself.)
  4. Finish all the books I left half-done in 2012.  There are quite a few of 'em.
  5. Read more fiction.
  6. Read more classics.
  7. Play and teach piano.  (Seriously.  This one is happening, and I'm a bit nervous about it!)
  8. Take voice lessons again.  (Yikes!  If I can find the time for it, I wanna make this one happen!)
  9. Move into a house!
  10. Be a better wife and friend.
  11. Support and encourage Kevin.  (Sometimes I forget he has to verbally process and dream.)
  12. Write more letters.
  13. Spend more structured time praying and in the Scriptures.
  14. Be more assertive.
  15. Stand up straighter.
  16. Be more active.
  17. Cook more, and learn to bake.
  18. Be spontaneous.
  19. Watch less TV.
  20. Don't take short-cuts out of laziness.