darling charles ender

We welcomed Charles Ender Trivits into our world just two weeks ago, but it's difficult to imagine life again without him.  He is as consistently calm and charming as Daphne was at this age.  This bodes well.  I don't want to jinx myself, but it's seeming as if we have twice struck gold.  We feel so very blessed.

His birth, as you may or may not have heard, was not without incident.  I labored for 24 hours (when Daphne's was, from start to finish, just SIX hours).  He was nine pounds (when my doctor told me he'd be about the size of Daph at birth, who was almost three pounds lighter).  All that is excusable, though.  The part that gets me about his birth was that a few things went wrong right at the end.  He was coming out at the wrong angle.  The cord was wrapped around his neck and arm.  The doctor's expression changed from excitement to concern, and she reached in and yanked him out by the shoulder.  He laid there for a moment or two without moving or breathing.  

These moments, though probably only a matter of seconds, must have felt like an eternity to Kevin (who was watching and experiencing this trauma in a way that I, strangely, was spared).  After Charles finally began to cry, the nurses quickly cut his cord and whisked him to his little warming station.  I knew something was wrong at that point, because Kevin had been asked if he'd like to cut the cord.  At that point, the doctor and nurses were calm and tending to me, so it seemed to me all was fine.  Kevin, though, had seen something that left him in shock, filled with horror.  It took a while for him to realize that our child was alive and well, and not dead, as he must have looked when the doctor laid him down after pulling his arm (and eventually, his body) free.  

Later that night, as I sat holding Charles and listening to Kevin process what he had experienced, I remembered Charles' passage of scripture.  

Side note: When Daphne was born, we did the same thing -- prayerfully consider a passage of the Bible that we believe applies to the life she would lead.  Hers is Isaiah 55, which says, briefly, "You shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."  We believe she is a ray of joy, beaming into the world, for the purpose of spreading the love and peace of God wherever she goes.  

The scripture we had chosen for Charles is also from the prophet Isaiah, based on the meaning of his name.  Charles means "freed man", and Ender (or Andrew) means "strong man".  His passage says, in Isaiah 45:

Thus says the Lord to his anointed,

whose right hand I have grasped;

to subdue nations before him,

and to loose the belt of kings,

to open doors before him

that gates may not be closed.

I have stirred him up in righteousness,

and I will make all his ways level;

he shall build my city

and set my exiles free.

As I recalled those verses, I was struck by the phrase, "Whose right hand I have grasped."  The doctor had pulled him, yanked him free, by his right hand.  I don't mean to get all mushy and sentimental here, but I am truly convinced that God led us to this passage for a reason, and I have full confidence that God has a life of freedom and redemption in store for Charles Ender, little though he may be.  It begins now.  God's purpose and his plan are already established.  And I find incredible comfort in that.

to love at all

I think about this quote a lot.  I've actually written about it before.  My friend Jack says, "There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable."  Think about that for a second.  A few years back, I wrote about this quote in the context of marriage and the relationship between two broken people who have bound themselves to one another, and what a scary thought that is.  I called it marriage is risky. 

This past week, it has struck me in a new way.  CS Lewis's sayings tend to do that to me, I think.  Not only because he was a genius, but because he was gifted with the ability to take the wisdom found in scripture and rework, repackage it in a strikingly poignant way.  And, like the wisdom found in scripture, his speculations find application in so many stages of life and circumstances. 

So, as I found his To Love Is to Be Vulnerable teaching to be relevant in reflecting on marriage, I now find it to have much to say about parenthood.  It may have even much more to say about parenthood.

Here's a bit more of the quote, so we're all on the same page:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, 

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

Okay.  So.  Surely you can see where my thoughts went with marriage.  Romantic relationships are hard enough when people are in the dating stage... Can you see how the fear could escalate when you've pledged your whole self to another person for the rest of your life?  To be loved is to be known, I conclude in my earlier post.  What a risky thing to fully put yourself out there, with all your quirks, secrets, imperfections, insecurities... and say, "Please know and accept and love me - all of me."

Imagine, then, how this could affect parenthood, the other most important relationship a person can have with another in this life.  While I personally fear less of my daughter 'accepting' me and loving me despite my faults (though I am fully aware of future fears with this, when she's more 18 than 18 months old), the riskiness of love only increases when a child comes into the picture.  

I love Daphne with all of my being.  It's actually useless for me to compare the way I love Daphne to the way I love Kevin, because it's apples and oranges.  Kevin and I have chosen each other.  Daphne has been given to us, and she is us.  The fruit, the blessing of our togetherness.  So, I love her with the love only a mother can have.  It is fierce.  It is fiery.  I will love and I will protect my baby girl, because she is equal parts me, and equal parts Kevin, and yet completely her own unique and dynamic little person.  

And even this is not a "safe investment", though all the forces of nature and God himself conspired to place her in our lives.  She is no less risky to love than a significant other.  Perhaps, she is more so.  A child, though a gift from God, demands your heart and your protection and so much responsibility.  Yet, a child's life cannot be controlled, from her circumstance to her very will.  

This terrifies me more than anything, when I wake up nights with this new baby squirming and kicking inside me.  Right now, my body is all the protection little Charles Ender needs.  I can fully control his environment, because it's me.  I know where he is, what he's doing, and can protect him in a way that I no longer can with Daphne.  Daphne is out in the world.  I cannot protect her from every bump and bruise she will inevitably receive from experiencing that world.  

I fear I am not strong enough to give her back to God, to surrender control of her life to him, to see her as first a child of God and second a child of mine.  I feel conspicuously vulnerable as a mother.  I am utterly invested in this little life.  My whole heart is on the line here.  I fear I cannot protect my heart in regards to her no more than I can protect her against the world.  Anything, it seems, could happen.  This is not a safe place to be, parenthood.  It is profoundly risky.  It is risky to consider God as capable and trustworthy and faithful, not for my own life or relationship with Kevin, I'm finding... but for my children.  Do I trust him with these little lives?  

Making myself vulnerable before him, completely offering up my all in surrender, with the knowledge that that must include my babies, is his hardest lesson yet.  

so, we wait

"Think about the things you can do - how flexible your life is right now! 

Do you really think you're financially stable?
You've only been married two years!

"This is how I imagine people will respond to me saying that my heart breaks when each month rolls around, and I am still not a mother. When I see pictures of new moms and their babies, expectant ones with their enormous tummies, I despair. I know I'm not alone in this feeling of sorrow, but good discussion is not really happening, either. But it's starting. Think of this as a companion piece to this one, written by my best friend and true confidant through times like this. I'm following her lead.

"On this topic, I don't speak up; I'm not brave. It's as if I'm ashamed of this "inability". There shouldn't be shame: it's a godly sorrow. I'm like Hannah in 1 Samuel. She went to the temple "deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly." Month after month, I feel as though I am literally pouring out my soul to God, with the assurance of faith that He will answer. Months come and go, yet I have no reply except to wait. So, we wait."

I wrote that last year... the day before we found out we were pregnant with Daphne.  And now, as I read it, aching and weepy due to the memory - and the fact that I'm eleven weeks pregnant with Baby Triv #2 - I'm overwhelmed with the fact that life is full of mystery and anticipation.

What an appropriate theme for this season.  Anticipation and Advent go hand-in-hand.  The mystery of the coming of God as a tiny infant human; the anticipation of the universe as all is to be set right. As this is the first time I've lived the Christmas season expecting a child, the beauty is remarkably real to me.

2014 has not been an easy year for us.  There have been extreme highs (primarily because Daphne radiates joy) but also significant lows and disappointments.  Events have made us despair of our desire to live in an often cold and distant state (emotionally and geographically, haha), caused us to doubt God's purpose and calling, and feel like failures in ministry and relationships.  When our things were stolen (though some were eventually returned) we lost hope in the justice system and felt the despair of not having our cause heard and upheld.  I hope I'm not overdramatizing the year we've experienced - I realize we are better off than others - it's just that the hardships we've been through are nothing like I imagined life to be.  God answered our heartbroken prayers for a child, and now we anticipate His healing of this past year.  He will continue, mysteriously, to works things out for our good and His glory.

So, we wait.

We wait for this chapter to end.

We wait for the day when we will be taken care of as a family, protected by a community if not by the law enforcement, acknowledged for our obedience to a call to ministry.  This may not be what God has in mind for us, even in this lifetime, but still we wait.  We anticipate the day that all is to be set right.   Come, Lord Jesus!

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, 

we do not lose heart.

...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; 

struck down, but not destroyed.

...

Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away, 

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us 

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, 

since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:1, 8-9, 16-18 NIV

faretheewell

This morning, I am saddened to hear the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI: a man I believe to be a truly great Christian leader, with such influence, in this ever-darkening world.  Having read his Jesus of Nazareth trilogy this past year, I found myself inspired by his compassion and heart for the world, his devotion to Scripture and orthodoxy, and his personal relationship with his Savior Jesus Christ.  

Having not paid much attention to the former bishop of Rome (to my detriment, I think; I was young, not denominationally Catholic, etc), I'm sorry that I cannot speak to Pope John Paul II's greatness.  However, I do know that the Church is losing yet another godly man as shepherd in Joseph Ratzinger.  I pray that the man who succeeds him will be in the same spirit and direction.

2013 Goals and Resolutions

Oh Calvin.  You get me.

But seriously, I have such a hard time with goals.  Meeting goals, that is.  Making them is fairly easy.  I get distracted.  I unprioritize and reprioritize.  I get lazy.  I don't wanna read x amount of books, or write x amount of sonnets.  Let's see how this year goes, then, when I make goals that are less easily measured.

1. Talk on the phone more, and in doing so, defeat my fear of the thing.
2. Stop saying the word "annoying", and in doing so, be less easily annoyed.  (It's good in theory.)
3. Do not complain, whine, or gossip.  Ever.  (Except maybe to Kevin.  That's basically like talking to myself.)
4. Finish all the books I left half-done in 2012.  There are quite a few of 'em.
5. Read more fiction.
6. Read more classics.
7. Play and teach piano.  (Seriously.  This one is happening, and I'm a bit nervous about it!)
8. Take voice lessons again.  (Yikes!  If I can find the time for it, I wanna make this one happen!)
9. Move into a house!
10. Be a better wife and friend.
11. Support and encourage Kevin.  (Sometimes I forget he has to verbally process and dream.)
12. Write more letters.
13. Spend more structured time praying and in the Scriptures.
14. Be more assertive.
15. Stand up straighter.
16. Be more active.
17. Cook more, and learn to bake.
18. Be spontaneous.
19. Watch less TV.
20. Don't take short-cuts out of laziness.

abiding at advent

'Tis the season.  

Advent.

The coming of our Lord.

The great miracle of Incarnation.

The monumental shift of history.

And how do we celebrate?

By waiting.

Hoping.

Preparing.

We look forward in anticipation, certainly,

but these actions are hardly exciting - or even active, for that matter.

Not what you might expect for an event so huge we're still talking about it millennia after the fact.

Celebration, this season, is mere attitude, perspective, or inward reflection and preparation?

And yet, no amount of active striving will make Christmas come any sooner.

I feel this way sometimes.  

No, rather often.

That my life is just a waiting game.

It's all about to change, 

truly, everything is about to change.

The coming year will hold great things.

But I'm in-between.

I'm here, the important and monumental life-changing-points are out there.

Out there, beyond my control.

I can use no 'exciting' or 'active' verbs to get myself closer.

No striving will make it happen sooner.

It's a waiting game.

Hoping.

Preparing.

But what if this next big thing is just like the last big thing?

I reach it (finally), 

adjust, get comfortable with the change, 

and then I'm in-between again.

It's like the slight let-down after Christmas. 

All the presents are unwrapped, and there are no more surprises.

Ah, well - 365 days till next Christmas.

Maybe what I'm trying to process is the idea that maybe Advent is trying to teach me something else.

A different lesson altogether than just waiting, hoping and preparing.

Maybe the lesson I'm learning is to abide.

That because of (and in spite of) my hopes, even when the end is in sight,

it is possible to live in a state of perpetual contentment, and active progress.

This is my own type of preparation.  

Continuing, progressing through time in a particular condition or attitude.

At this moment, 

I could very easily launch into a trite tirade on how we should live as if every day is Christmas.  

That's not what I want, though, really.

I can't live every moment as if it's a mountain-top experience, 

a monumental change in history.

How exhausting.

I just want to be ready for those moments, 

while still loving and living the life that I have.

Make the most of the in-betweens.

The periods of waiting.

Celebrate Advent.

marriage is risky

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

So says Jack, my friend and pedagogue, in his The Four Loves.  And I find this to be true.  You may have read one of my previous posts sharing part of my story about finding God and what it means to let Him love me.  It is one thing to be vulnerable before the Almighty God, who will never leave or forsake, but another thing altogether to be vulnerable before another fallible, faulty, and self-serving human being. 

Marriage is risky.

I am a messy person.  Not externally - like in our home, leaving clothes everywhere, dishes undone, the bathroom mirror ajar - that's his specialty.  Inwardly, privately, though, I am a mess.  There are unresolved issues that I like to keep to myself.  Marriage doesn't really allow that.  Not really.  All I am is his - including my mess.  And vice versa.  

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Vulnerable can mean "to be open to attack."  Completely exposed.  Messes bared.  Wholly at the mercy of someone else.  What a risk.

What a risk to place yourself in dependence of another, to willingly subject yourself to someone who is not you.  Who does not think as you do.  Who has not experienced what you have, and may not understand that.  

What a risk to invest your energy, will and emotion, and your very life to a person who will break your heart without trying or thinking.  

What a risk to know that you are in that same position to him, in a position to so easily break his heart, though he may not ponder the situation as analytically as you do.  

Let me finish the paragraph I started at the top:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, 

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements;

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.

it will not be broken; 

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe 

from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

You see?  The opposite of vulnerability is impenetrability.  Refusing to be vulnerable is refusing to be understood. You are completely inaccessible.  The fear of being vulnerable is similar to the fear of being unloved, but at the expense of being known.  If you are unknown by the one that you love (or fear to love), there is no hope for love in the relationship at all.  And this shortcoming is magnified in marriage.

Marriage is a religion.  It is a devotion founded on faith and trust and love, but based upon the love of Christ for each individual rather than the individual's ability to love on his or her own.  Perhaps, then, it is a parable for religion.  It is not safe; it is profoundly risky.  And that's love.  That's life.

and everything is different

I'm going to let you in on a little piece of Anna Trivits history here.  It's strange because as a sort of chronic over-sharer in my early years of college, there are not many people nowadays that know my story.  Or the importance of this day - October 11 - five years ago.

Five years ago, I was a freshman at Philadelphia Biblical University (now Cairn University).  There's more backstory that I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I was floundering.

My heart had been broken that summer, a traumatizing experience for an eighteen-year-old girl, and I entered school not knowing who I was, what I was worth, and I had about had it with God.  You see, during that summer, when my heart was broken, I determined to (in my own words) "see what I was saved from".  That meant nearly open rebellion against my parents, against my standards, and against my faith.  I felt I hadn't yet lived, so I set about living.  

Apparently what I thought that meant, though, was destructive relationships.  I'll gloss over details, because in truth you can probably imagine what that entailed.

And five years ago, I realized I was reaching my limit.  I was being stretched too thin.  And it was beginning to show.

Here's an excerpt from my journal:

I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a few years now... and everything's just coming to a head (at this point, I had passed out in the shower twice).  What it boils down to is how much I value other people's opinions of myself.  If they don't approve of me, I don't approve of me. And this new environment has just intensified my insecurities.  I wish I just had the strength and the confidence to be just unapologetically ME.

Later:

I've been so encouraged by the response of family and friends - my mom called Oasis Counseling Center and I'm meeting with the Baron today... in about 40 minutes.  This should also be a good thing, although I'm incredibly nervous and embarrassed to be seeking help for this. 

And later:

Well, much has happened, I guess.  I've met with my counselor twice now, and according to my intake survey, I have clinical depression.  I may be seeing a doctor in a month or so, if things don't improve.  I'm just not really sure how I'm supposed to respond to this information. 

After several sessions, it became more and more apparent that my depression stemmed from standards that I felt I could never measure up to, and from ever-increasing guilt because of those standards and my decisions the past summer.  I knew in my heart of hearts that I was Just Not Good Enough.  In another journal entry, I wrote about when I told my counselor The Story of my heartbreak.  She asked me how I could tell such a story and remain so calm and composed, but as I processed that, it seemed to me that I deserved much of what heartbreak came my way.  I had put myself into those situations knowing full well what I was getting into.  And this mentality continued for me, for a little while.

Five years ago, the weekend of the PBU Homecoming (which was this past weekend, in fact), I was about ready to end it all.  Another failed and foolish relationship pushed me beyond the limit, and I wanted to punish myself for my stupidity, for once again not being good enough.  Fortunately, I had the good sense to tell someone about what I felt prepared to do.  This friend may never know that he rescued me from the brink that night, but I am ever grateful to him.

A few days later, my journal read: Yesterday was good.  Today is better.  I am so thankful for amazing friends and godly examples and advice.  I want, more than anything in the world, to give my life to Him.

You see?  I still hadn't figured it out.  I was still living apart from God, from the One who so desired to fix me, heal my broken heart.  My identity, my morality, and my very self was yet unsurrendered to Him.  Because, of course, I felt I could never be good enough.

And that's when it all changed.  Almost on a whim, two new friends invited me to a concert with them and their circle (the Heritage Hall loungers, as I once referred to them before I was a part of their group).  It was a Bebo Norman, Bethany Dillon, and Shane and Shane concert at the University of Delaware.  I felt a bit out of my element, new people, new friends and all, and my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was going, whom I still "hated".  But it was music, and it was getting out of my dorm, so I went.  I needed it.

The show was good (if you know anything about the musicians I mentioned above, that is understatement), but at the very end of Shane and Shane's set, they played their (then) new song: Embracing Accusation.  And I wept.  I gave my heart, wholly, to the Lord.  I began to believe the truth that they sang, scripture.

You'll understand once you hear the song.  

I'll let Shane Bernard explain the rest.  

Listen to his story.  The full song, with lyrics, is the second video.

-- In 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting the Shanes and letting them know what their song means to me, and how it changed my life. --

Galatians 3:10

For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them."  

Galatians 3:13

Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree."

On this day in history: October 11, 2007, I surrendered.  I raised the white flag and leapt into His arms.  And now I'm free. 

Thank you to 

Steve Brittin, 

Nate Benbow, 

Derek Meck, 

Bill Lukacs, 

Jeremy Pearson,

Tommy Myers, 

Brieanne Sodano, 

Katie Slothower, 

Heather Neustadter, 

Elisa Monahan,

Shane and Shane

And whoever else had a part in this story.

redefining tolerance

It is time for those engaged in contentious debate to put the pitchforks down, pick up some coffee cups and have some messy conversations. Messy conversations lead to healthy conversations. Healthy conversations lead to understanding. Understanding those whom we disagree with leads to pure tolerance.

 So writes Ken Coleman in his Huffpost article, Redefining Tolerance: The Case of Chick-fil-A.  I tend to agree.

"Gay is the new black" v. Chick-fil-a

I read two articles today.
They happened to be on a topic I am wrestling through as I hope to find the appropriate, loving, Christian response.
Read them.  Think through these things with me.  Pray about it.  I'm going to, too.

One: Gay Is Not the New Black
Two: Moreno lays an egg opposing Chick-fil-A
(For whatever reason, the Chicago Tribune site isn't letting me link it properly... so you might have to google "Chick fil A" and it's currently the top news story. Sigh.)

what to do when.

I wrote this somewhat depressing post a couple of weeks ago... and thought it would be all right to share now.  I think it's important to see that other people struggle, too.  Have you ever felt like this?

.

.

.

I asked God for something.  He answered.  And I'm... disappointed.

Has this ever happened to you before?  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Let me explain.

Sometimes I pray for things, with a certain expectation in mind.  He responds with 'yes', 'no', or 'wait', right?  That's what we're trained from an early age to receive from God.  Well.  What are you to do when He responds yes, but that yes looks absolutely different from the yes you had in mind?

Lately, I'm struggling to adjust to that idea: that this must be for the best, because God gave it to me.  And yet, I'm so incredibly hurt.  There are (give or take) a million verses that I know by rote that fill my mind - almost literally, like pop-ups on the desktop of my brain.  But they advertise something that I don't want to buy, or am not interested in, or will not bring satisfaction into this situation.  I believe them, because they are true... but I believe them in the sense that I believe Washington was America's first president, that Shakespeare wrote histories and tragedies and comedies, that Michigan became a state in 1837.  I know these factoids to be true, but what does it matter?  The verses that pop up are just factoids.

Did you know?  

In all things, God works for the good of those that love Him 

and have been called according to His purpose!

Guess what!

God knows the plans He has for you! 

Plans to prosper you & not to harm you! 

Plans to give you a hope and a future!

Hey! 

God gives good gifts!

Yes, thank you, I did know that.  Fascinating.  Thanks for the reminder.  But what does that look like for me right now, today, in my life that is undergoing tough and unexpected change?

I realize this sounds cynical.  But I am all too often the optimist.  I am really good at relying on God.  Truly.  But particularly when I ask Him for something specific, and He delivers, but... it's either not what I really wanted, or He, strangely, gave me the wrong side of the coin.  Those of you reading this who know me know this isn't me.  And that's half the struggle.  I don't feel like myself.

Another teaching that's been ingrained in me since before I could grasp any of the reality of the Gospel is that faith is not a feeling.  Yes, right now, I feel somewhat empty and bare.  Like a vacuum, really: any truth that I read or hear or feel just doesn't seem to stick.  It gets lost.  I know that what God requires is obedience, faithfulness despite the obstacles and the feelings that come along with living in a broken world, in broken bodies, with broken minds and hearts.  It's about obedience, blindly following Him and His word.  But, God... it hurts.  You answered yes, and I wanna take it back.

to do: read Gen-Rev

Kevin and I have begun reading through the Bible again!  Instead of going book-by-book as per usual, we'll be going through it chronologically.  To see/steal/use/judge the plan we'll be following, click here!

being light

At one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. 

Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in 

all that is good and right and true)

and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 

making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Ephesians 5:8-10, 15-16

Remember this post? It is in the same spirit that I reflect on my attitudes and behavior now, just a few weeks later.  I think it's right and good to have checkpoints for yourself.  Otherwise, how can progress be made?

Just as I proactively guard what I expose myself to (whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, etc), and how that affects my thought-life, I've got to monitor what my outward actions - my "walk" - looks like.  How will anyone know that I am in the light if the only light that I let affect me is all in my head?  It's got to manifest itself outwardly!  Others should be able to see a difference!

And lately, I fear that has not been the case.

I fear that I love too much about my life to really let God be God. That (mis)placement messes everything up.  If I don't let God have His place of sovereignty - of authority - in my life, I put myself and my desires in His place.  Actions follow mindset.  I do not, therefore, obey God, but myself and what I want and think is best for my life (read: selfishness, sinfulness, pride).  And how can that but manifest itself in my behavior?  I do really well sometimes, in submitting to God's will, but lately I haven't been satisfied in that.  I want more.  It doesn't really matter more of what, exactly... but my state of discontentedness is not consistent with a lifestyle of light.  

One of my favorite psalms of David (one that I go back to time and time again for conviction, for comfort, for wisdom, and for encouragement) is Psalm 16.  Hear what he has to say about this.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord;

I have no good apart from you."

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:1-2, 5-6, 11

Do I believe that?

Do I truly believe that He is the only good I have?  Do I believe that He is enough?  That He is the way to peace and joy?  That pleasure, even, is found only in Him and the things that He gives?  That He has shown me the path that I must walk, and has made me capable of walking that way?  

Along with guarding myself from the worldview portrayed by the media, I have to choose to choose God above myself and what I naturally desire, what I think will bring me satisfaction and pleasure.  

I must "set the LORD always before me; 

[and] because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken!" 

Psalm 16:8

Then, and only then, can I live a life apart.  Only then can people see my life, my walk, my attitudes and behavior and say that I am and child of light.  I love the quote attributed to Ghandi: Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Only then, can I be that change.  Left to my own devices, I am nothing if not incapable.

"But Your Name alone we bring to remembrance": Thoughts on Joseph Kony, Invisible Children, and YHVH

I was going to kind of keep my mouth shut about this one, in all honesty.  It's a hot topic, and an important one, and I thought I'd keep my thoughts to myself.  But this is too good, and too important, to pass up.  Hear this.

Background Pt. 1

After a rather rough couple of days, I feel spiritually low.  I realize it's because I haven't spent any time reading my Bible.  I have had closeness with God through prayer (for myself and others, which is great for relationship), but little truth has been poured into my life.  And I haven't sought it out.  I feel the absence, the discomfort, the... unbalancedness.  (That word, alone, perfectly describes what it is and how I feel.)

Background Pt. 2

Last night, I had an interesting talk with a friend about Kony 2012 and the Invisible Children initiative.  To be perfectly frank, I have mixed feelings about the entire discussion: Facebook exploding with statuses, the videos, the articles... it's big news.  Make Kony famous.

Background Pt. 3

I'm currently reading a delightful little linguistic tale Born to Kvetch about the Yiddish culture and language.  Fascinating and hilarious stuff, my friends.  (If you're interested, once I'm done, I'll post a review here, on my other blog!)  The chapter I'm in right now discusses the importance of the name of a thing.  "What's in a name?" asks Juliet... "Everything," responds the Hebraic-Yiddish culture.  Contained in an object's name is its very essence.  From a rose, to YHVH - the Name above all Names - if you change a name, you change the very thing.  Therefore because the Name is the very holiness of God, Jews do not speak it, but merely refer to it as the Name, or Adonai (the closest a word can get in majesty and splendor to the Name), and we English speakers, "LORD."

.......

As soon as I got home today from work, I opened the Word, and lo and behold: Isaiah 26 leapt off the page at me.  I encourage you to read it in its gorgeous entirety, but here are a few main points that I had previously underlined.

You keep him in perfect peace 

whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you.

In the path of your judgments, 

O LORD, we wait for you;

Your Name and remembrance

are the desire of our soul.

For when your judgments are in the earth,

the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

If favor is shown to the wicked, 

he does not learn righteousness.

Let them see your zeal for your people,

and be ashamed.

Let the fire for your adversaries consume them.

O LORD our God,

other lords beside you have ruled over us,

but your Name alone we bring to remembrance.

...

Whether you think so or not, these passages speak directly into the issues I described above.  

Firstly, I am promised peace when I place my trust, my hope, my anxieties squarely on Him. Not just peace.  Perfect peace.  The peace that transcends understanding, as Paul says in my favorite passage from the epistle to the church at Philippi.  I need to A) read my Bible, and B) trust that it is true.

Secondly, it is the Lord's Name that we are to uphold, cherish, make famous.  We are to crave His fame, to spread His light to the far reaches of the world - heck, the galaxy... who knows? - and teach the world righteousness.

Thirdly, if that occurs, that His Name is our soul's desire, that His Name is the only word on our lips, that His fame exceed all others... He will teach the unrighteous justice.  He will teach them righteousness.  He will avenge the godly with the "fire for [His] adversaries"!  Trust!  

Now, I while I struggle with the tactics of Invisible Children, I believe the goal is just and the heart of it is in the right place.  I struggle, though.  Make Kony famous?  Call out for justice and righteousness and for those who have no voices of their own - YES!  God, yes!  But.  At what cost?  It is when the LORD's judgments are in the earth that the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.  It is only then that there will be peace, that there will be mercy, that there will be justice.  Truly.  

We must have balance.

We must have care.

We must have priorities appropriately placed.

We must be in the Word.

We must be filled with the Spirit.

We must be in touch with God, casting our cares upon Him, presenting our requests/anxieties/worries upon Him in prayer with thanksgiving.

We must call for justice.

We must trust that He will carry out His will.

We must make His Name great.

input

Whatever is true, 

whatever is honorable, 

whatever is just, 

whatever is pure, 

whatever is lovely, 

whatever is commendable, 

if there is any excellence, 

if there is anything worthy of praise, 

think about these things.  

Philippians 4:8

If you read the context of the passage cited above, it says, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Peace results from putting these things in your mind.  

I haven't been careful with what I've been putting into my mind.  And it's been obvious to me.  I don't feel that peace, I don't feel that protection over my heart and mind.  I feel heaviness.

So.  I'm proactively guarding my heart by guarding my eyes.  Certain TV shows, movies, articles online... no more for me.  Am I so ignorant to think that it does not affect me?  That I can willingly expose myself to the things that are the opposite of the things listed above and not be embittered, unsettled?  

Let me challenge you: take an inventory of the things you spend your time on.  Are the things you watch/do/read/listen to uplifting?  Encouraging?  Honorable?  True?  It might surprise you how desensitized you've become to the ugly things of life.  Join me in throwing out the trash.  Let's live in peace.

not big enough

Sometimes
God isn't BIG enough
in my perception

I reduce Him to ink on a page
words of Christ in red

I love Him like I love
Percy
Darcy
Carton
an adorable, romantic, brooding Figure

Is He more than that to me?

Have I trained my brain to be wooed
by a mere Man
of stories
of the past
of fiction?

I read of His terrible wrath
His patient loving-kindness
His sacrifice
for the ones He loves
as a story

A beautiful, touching, inspiring story

Is my God a living One
that is the same today as He was walking with Enoch
snatching up Elijah
protecting David
weeping at Lazarus' death
overturning tables in the temple
accepting the humble worship of sinners?

Have I the faith to praise a present God?
To live as if He's alive?

Or is my heart just warmed by the story?

Just ink on a page
words of Christ in red

I fear
God isn't BIG enough
in my perception

Twenty One, Two, Three, Four

HAPPY DECEMBER 21, 22, 23, and 24!

I'm thankful for a number of things, these days.  Briefly:

I'm thankful for new beginnings.  To not only be who I want to be, but be who I am.  And be completely accepted, loved, and encouraged.  Unlike when I went off to PBU (and I was confused about who I was, whose I was, and where I was going), I am here with support.  Not only am I "claimed" by Kevin, I am certain of my state before the Lord.  With that, I have confidence, I have opportunity to share that.   

I'm thankful for our youth group.  The other night, we had our first youth group party at our apartment: A Grinch-themed Christmas Party.  It was so much fun!  Although our apartment is small, the food was good, the games were fun, and the fellowship was sweet.  I am so looking forward to getting to know these kids more!  Definitely looking forward to our retreat in January!  

I'm thankful for the Jewish faith.  Romans 9 says, "They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises.  To them belong the patriarchs, and from their race, according to the flesh, is the Messiah who is God over all, blessed forever.  Amen."  Kevin and I have begun a "new" tradition (new for our family, that is): celebrating Chanukah.  We have our beautiful, pristine menorah... had to look up how to actually observe the holiday... and though we're not giving gifts each day and not being technically "Jewish" about the whole thing (yet!), we observe the miracle of Chanukah by lighting the candles.  And we are able to observe it with the greater, deeper meaning and fulfillment in Christ.  

Isaiah 2:5

O house of Jacob,

come, let us walk

in the light of the LORD 

John 1:9-11, 4-5

The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.  He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him.  He came to his own, and his own did not receive him.  In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

In the same vein, I'm thankful for the gift of Jesus.  (Understatement of my entire life!)  Although the "biggest" holiday of the faith is Easter Sunday - for if Christ had not been raised, we are of all people most to be pitied - I like my college professor's take on the topic.  Jesus' life was a Christ event.  One major event could not have happened without the other: if He had not been born, He could not have died; if He had not died, He could not have been resurrected, etc.  I am thankful that He humbled Himself and came in our form.  The author of Hebrews puts it this way: Therefore, he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people.  He is our Savior, He is our High Priest, He is our Hope.  And it is His birth we will celebrate tomorrow.  God-made-man.  The radiance of God the Father in an infant, human body.  This day is the start of something new, something permanent and perfect.  For He came to die - and His sacrifice is our hope!  Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful!  

Fourteen/Fifteen

HAPPY DECEMBER 14-15!

Life's crazy.

I'm thankful for funny encounters.  They just add a little something extra to a run-of-the-mill day.  

Yesterday, I was greeted at a luncheon by a lady I had met only once before.  Just a week before, actually.  She grabbed 'hold of me, hugged me tight, and said how good it was to see me and how long it had been.  Then she realized I was not who she thought I was.  I told her that I appreciated the hug anyway.  :)

Kevin, too, had a fun little run-in at the luncheon.  He had just gone up to the beverage table to get us a couple of coffees, when a lady grabbed his arm and asked (as he said, with crazy eyes): "Did you know they have chocolate tea?"  He replied that, no, he did not.  She just nodded (still with the crazy eyes) and walked away.

Today, at work as I handed a fairly regular customer (venti mocha) his change, he looked at me bashfully (read: awkwardly) and said, "I'm just curious... would you be interested in going out sometime?"  Oy.  I wear my rings at work.  I purposefully hold the window open in such a way that the sun can shine off the diamond.  All things considered, I think I handled it rather well - thanked him, told him I'm married, and then sidled out of view.  Awkward.  But funny.  Poor guy.  Apparently, he had asked out one of the other baristas earlier that summer and she, too, had turned him down.  Ouch.

And now for something completely different!

I'm thankful for opportunities.  I had an awesome theological/Gospel conversation with a coworker today.  Just joking around, he claimed to be goodness incarnate.  I said, "That's blasphemy!"  Which launched us into a rather intense discussion of what "goodness" is, original sin, who Jesus is, His deity v. humanity, the holiness of God, what it means that God cannot look on sin, why it is important for us to believe in Jesus' act of redemption on the cross and what actually took place there.  Seriously.  Who gets opportunities like this?  Who takes advantage of them?  While this guy and I are prone to disagreement and (heated) discussion, I appreciate his mind and the way he thinks about things.  I also sense his curiosity, hand-in-hand with a disillusionment with religion.  I hope to have more opportunities of this nature.  Pray for me! 

In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:15

Thirteen

HAPPY DECEMBER 13!

I am thankful for Scripture.  

One of my goals for this year was to read through the whole Bible (originally, hoped to read it in 3 months... but life gets kind of crazy with two jobs and cable TV, I'm sorry to say!)  I was excited for this goal because although I've read through the Bible before, it's the first time I'm reading completely through the Bible Kevin gave me almost two years ago.  And I decided to read through it chronologically, so that the stories fit together more like a narrative (there's a good PBU buzzword for ya!) So I finished the Old Testament in a mere two months... and it's taken me maybe four months to get halfway through the (much shorter) New Testament.  Not good.  Today, then, it is my goal to make a huge dent in Paul's Epistles and Acts. 

Besides declaring the good news of our Messiah and the salvation He offers, let me share another reason why I love Scripture.  

As King David said:

How sweet are Your words to my taste, 

sweeter than honey to my mouth!  

Through Your precepts I get understanding, 

therefore I hate every false way.

Psalm 119:103-104

I truly delight in the Word of the Lord.  And I am able to delight because it is true, and these truths are (as Paul says) spiritually discerned.  Because I have the Spirit of God, the veil is lifted and my soul is encouraged and enriched by the life-giving words - I am transformed!  

I read this today, and it is oh so true:

Since we have such a hope, we are very bold, not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face so that the Israelites might not gaze at the outcome of what was being brought to an end.  But their minds were hardened.  For to this day, when they read the old covenant, that same veil remains unlifted, because only through Christ is it taken away.  Yes, to this day whenever Moses is read a veil lies over their hearts.  But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.  Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:12-18

Ten

HAPPY DECEMBER TEN!

Sorry the above picture is sort of creepy, I just thought it interesting enough to use!

Today, I'm thankful for marriage.  Kev and I just got home from the beautiful and touching wedding of two of our newest dear friends.  We had the honor of being usher and guestbook attendant (guess which did which!) and observing the beginning of a fun, adventurous, arduous, thrilling journey.  Although it's still nineteen days till our one year anniversary, Kevin and I couldn't wait to watch the video of our wedding.  What an exciting and perfect day that was. 

The thing I'm thankful for, though, is that marriage is not a one-day event.  It's a lifetime.  It's a journey, a process.  Kevin and I get to walk side-by-side through life, experiencing and working through everything together.  We complete - perfect - one another in that process.  And what a beautiful picture of our relationship to Christ:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:22-27