to love at all

I think about this quote a lot.  I've actually written about it before.  My friend Jack says, "There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable."  Think about that for a second.  A few years back, I wrote about this quote in the context of marriage and the relationship between two broken people who have bound themselves to one another, and what a scary thought that is.  I called it marriage is risky. 

This past week, it has struck me in a new way.  CS Lewis's sayings tend to do that to me, I think.  Not only because he was a genius, but because he was gifted with the ability to take the wisdom found in scripture and rework, repackage it in a strikingly poignant way.  And, like the wisdom found in scripture, his speculations find application in so many stages of life and circumstances. 

So, as I found his To Love Is to Be Vulnerable teaching to be relevant in reflecting on marriage, I now find it to have much to say about parenthood.  It may have even much more to say about parenthood.

Here's a bit more of the quote, so we're all on the same page:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, 

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

Okay.  So.  Surely you can see where my thoughts went with marriage.  Romantic relationships are hard enough when people are in the dating stage... Can you see how the fear could escalate when you've pledged your whole self to another person for the rest of your life?  To be loved is to be known, I conclude in my earlier post.  What a risky thing to fully put yourself out there, with all your quirks, secrets, imperfections, insecurities... and say, "Please know and accept and love me - all of me."

Imagine, then, how this could affect parenthood, the other most important relationship a person can have with another in this life.  While I personally fear less of my daughter 'accepting' me and loving me despite my faults (though I am fully aware of future fears with this, when she's more 18 than 18 months old), the riskiness of love only increases when a child comes into the picture.  

I love Daphne with all of my being.  It's actually useless for me to compare the way I love Daphne to the way I love Kevin, because it's apples and oranges.  Kevin and I have chosen each other.  Daphne has been given to us, and she is us.  The fruit, the blessing of our togetherness.  So, I love her with the love only a mother can have.  It is fierce.  It is fiery.  I will love and I will protect my baby girl, because she is equal parts me, and equal parts Kevin, and yet completely her own unique and dynamic little person.  

And even this is not a "safe investment", though all the forces of nature and God himself conspired to place her in our lives.  She is no less risky to love than a significant other.  Perhaps, she is more so.  A child, though a gift from God, demands your heart and your protection and so much responsibility.  Yet, a child's life cannot be controlled, from her circumstance to her very will.  

This terrifies me more than anything, when I wake up nights with this new baby squirming and kicking inside me.  Right now, my body is all the protection little Charles Ender needs.  I can fully control his environment, because it's me.  I know where he is, what he's doing, and can protect him in a way that I no longer can with Daphne.  Daphne is out in the world.  I cannot protect her from every bump and bruise she will inevitably receive from experiencing that world.  

I fear I am not strong enough to give her back to God, to surrender control of her life to him, to see her as first a child of God and second a child of mine.  I feel conspicuously vulnerable as a mother.  I am utterly invested in this little life.  My whole heart is on the line here.  I fear I cannot protect my heart in regards to her no more than I can protect her against the world.  Anything, it seems, could happen.  This is not a safe place to be, parenthood.  It is profoundly risky.  It is risky to consider God as capable and trustworthy and faithful, not for my own life or relationship with Kevin, I'm finding... but for my children.  Do I trust him with these little lives?  

Making myself vulnerable before him, completely offering up my all in surrender, with the knowledge that that must include my babies, is his hardest lesson yet.  

so, we wait

"Think about the things you can do - how flexible your life is right now! 

Do you really think you're financially stable?
You've only been married two years!

"This is how I imagine people will respond to me saying that my heart breaks when each month rolls around, and I am still not a mother. When I see pictures of new moms and their babies, expectant ones with their enormous tummies, I despair. I know I'm not alone in this feeling of sorrow, but good discussion is not really happening, either. But it's starting. Think of this as a companion piece to this one, written by my best friend and true confidant through times like this. I'm following her lead.

"On this topic, I don't speak up; I'm not brave. It's as if I'm ashamed of this "inability". There shouldn't be shame: it's a godly sorrow. I'm like Hannah in 1 Samuel. She went to the temple "deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly." Month after month, I feel as though I am literally pouring out my soul to God, with the assurance of faith that He will answer. Months come and go, yet I have no reply except to wait. So, we wait."

I wrote that last year... the day before we found out we were pregnant with Daphne.  And now, as I read it, aching and weepy due to the memory - and the fact that I'm eleven weeks pregnant with Baby Triv #2 - I'm overwhelmed with the fact that life is full of mystery and anticipation.

What an appropriate theme for this season.  Anticipation and Advent go hand-in-hand.  The mystery of the coming of God as a tiny infant human; the anticipation of the universe as all is to be set right. As this is the first time I've lived the Christmas season expecting a child, the beauty is remarkably real to me.

2014 has not been an easy year for us.  There have been extreme highs (primarily because Daphne radiates joy) but also significant lows and disappointments.  Events have made us despair of our desire to live in an often cold and distant state (emotionally and geographically, haha), caused us to doubt God's purpose and calling, and feel like failures in ministry and relationships.  When our things were stolen (though some were eventually returned) we lost hope in the justice system and felt the despair of not having our cause heard and upheld.  I hope I'm not overdramatizing the year we've experienced - I realize we are better off than others - it's just that the hardships we've been through are nothing like I imagined life to be.  God answered our heartbroken prayers for a child, and now we anticipate His healing of this past year.  He will continue, mysteriously, to works things out for our good and His glory.

So, we wait.

We wait for this chapter to end.

We wait for the day when we will be taken care of as a family, protected by a community if not by the law enforcement, acknowledged for our obedience to a call to ministry.  This may not be what God has in mind for us, even in this lifetime, but still we wait.  We anticipate the day that all is to be set right.   Come, Lord Jesus!

Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, 

we do not lose heart.

...

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; 

perplexed, but not in despair; 

persecuted, but not abandoned; 

struck down, but not destroyed.

...

Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away, 

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us 

an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, 

since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:1, 8-9, 16-18 NIV

i don't look back much, as a rule

No, this isn't my journal... but just imagine if it were...

The title of this post is misleading; it's a lyric to one of my favorite songs.  Truth is, I look back fairly often.  I like to read and reread my old diaries.  A lot.  Much of it ranges from incredibly irritating... to embarrassing... to outright disturbing, but on occasion, it reminds me of a happy memory that would have otherwise stayed unrecalled.  

Such is the case with this entry from September 23, 2008.  It's pretty sweet, and as we are coming upon our third anniversary at the end of this month, I thought it appropriate to share: the day I realized I was supposed to marry Kevin.  And this, five months before we even started dating, when I was on a self-prescribed "boy fast".  It's titled, First Day of Autumn.  Enjoy!

Mmmk... so I'm definitely smitten - which isn't at all what I want or need.  But Kevin is such a great guy!  He helped me out by coming with our group to NYC this past Friday (so I wouldn't have to third-wheel), and all Sunday, I hung out with him and his band... which was awesome.  But honestly - if I can flesh this out - he's everything I could want in a boyfriend.  I know that's quick judgment, but I'm just so impressed!  And I also know that he's very friendly and very comfortable with people - girls especially.  But he's such a protector.  And I just want to keep getting to know him - and he's so stinkin cute!

I need to prevent myself from being needy.  Confidence in myself - who I am as me.  Not that when this boy fast is over, I won't have a chance... I just worry so much that if I don't make a move, I'll lose my chance with him.  And the thing is, that's not the way God planned it.  If we're meant to be together, it's going to happen.  How dare I think I can manipulate God and make things work my way?!

I need to calm my childish self down and dwell on what I know to be true.  God is in control.  There is a cute guy who happens to be my friend.  I shouldn't change my behavior in the least.  I want the type of guy who is attracted to the type of girl I am - who I am, not what I might change myself to try to be.  Sigh.  I just want him to be part of my life.

For your viewing pleasure, two pictures taken the week we started dating.
As it turns out, we lived happily ever after.

everything has changed: or, i have plenty to be thankful for

Happy Thanksgiving from the Trivits family!

I know it's typically at the end of the year that we reflect and "see how far we've come" and all that, but it seems all too appropriate to express thanks on the day that's set aside specially for giving thanks.  We have been so very blessed this year - in some crazy and unexpected ways.

It has been monnnnnths since I've posted, and that's because I was in the midst of transitions.  A lot of 'em.  And I've been processing through them.  Mostly to myself.  Or, mostly to Kevin.

Some of these transitions you probably know about.  Like being me being pregnant.  It was a textbook pregnancy (barring that hiccup of PUPPs at the end that seemed to signal my imminent labor).  But in the span of those nine months, Kevin and I have moved twice; had a total of three roommates, a slew of visitors; had issues with finances tax-related, tire-related, rent-related; had changes in our work situations, good and bad; had highs and extreme lows in ministry; and have strained to keep our marriage a priority throughout it all.  Bear in mind, all this with my overload of hormones and a natural bent toward deep introversion.  

I stopped singing.  I stopped reading.  I stopped journaling. I stopped trying.  I watched Friends for hours upon hours.  I cleaned like I was certifiable.  I sulked and whimpered and lamented the state of things.  I tried to buck up.  I tried to power through.  I tried to submit to God's will, which clearly all of these transitions were.  I tried to be transparent with Kevin and my close friends.  I tried to be an understanding, gracious, loving person.  But I just wasn't… feeling it.  During this time of huge transition, in this regard, nothing changed.  I had a bad attitude, secretly or not-so-secretly, for nine months.  

Then, a week before our precious miracle, Daphne Rose, was born, I realized that none of this was me.  None of this was mine.  Not my house(s), not my time, not my money, not my job, not my ministry, not my friendships, not my space, and not my will.  These are things that are given to me; I'm a sort of steward not owner of these gifts, responsible for using them for others not selfishly hoarding them till I see fit.  Nothing is mine.  

And for this, I am grateful.  It takes all the pressure off, doesn't it?  When I don't have to question how I "use my resources"?  It's answered for me.  Use them for others.  God gives me permission to bend over backward for people: it's not just something I'm allowed to do when I'm on the clock at Starbucks, where customer service is actually everything.  I'm allowed to serve others without reservation, without expectation of return, and without thought for my personal convenience, or even happiness.  

This newfound understanding was the pièce de résistance to my nesting.  This home is prepared, as much as it can be, for the arrival of our daughter.  And by home, I - of course - mean myself.  If I'm not willing to sacrifice all for this child, what am I doing with this life?  Who am I?

So, I am overwhelmingly grateful.

I'm grateful for the transitions.

I'm grateful for the hardships.

I'm grateful for a husband who stands up to me, prods me, but doesn't take my feelings for granted.

I'm grateful for a healthy, beautiful, precious baby girl (I can't get enough of her! Thanks for letting me plaster your newsfeeds with so many pictures)!

I'm grateful for learning experiences: roommates, financial decisions, and communication with friends.

I'm grateful for supportive family members and friends who in turn encourage and admonish me.

I'm grateful for times to reflect, evaluate, redirect, and move forward.

Now, as I look toward the end of the year, Kevin and I are settling down in our home sans roommate, avec baby.  After nine months of transition, we are landing somewhere.  Settling down.  And we are receiving blessing upon blessing with the understanding that it's all for the purpose of giving it away.

 And now, another picture of my adorable little pink princess.  Just for fun.  :)

baby triv

Baby Trivits!

Due Nov 18!

(Lord willing!)

As you may or may not have seen or heard, Kevin and I are expecting!  We are incredibly excited and are absolutely overjoyed/overwhelmed that God would bless and trust us with this enormous responsibility.  

I realize a blog post is neither necessary nor consequential to many/most/all of you... but I wanted to give a heads up as to what you can expect from me, an expectant mother (oh, wow).  Or maybe, rather, what you can not expect.

Please do not expect me to post:

Tummy pictures... (monthly, or ever - yuck! I'm doing you a favor.)

Ultrasound pictures... (although I know my mom already posted one... I'll let that one slide... haha)

Any gratuitous statuses about cravings, morning sickness, and babies babies babies... (one of my goals for this year was to cut down on "public" complaining/whining, and I know no one cares that all I really want to eat is apple sauce and oatmeal.)

Don't get me wrong, I realize that it is good and healthy and appropriate and exciting to gush your newfound joy over being pregnant and the thought of having a child in the near future.  But seeing friend after pregnant friend plastering their news (and, may I say, rather personal and private business) all over facebook while until very recently, Kevin and I had struggled with the fact that we - seemingly - were not able to have a baby... it's actually rather hurtful.  I know I still have plenty of friends in that stage (waiting to conceive), and those who are struggling through/with infertility.  I want to be so very, very sensitive to that.  

It's ironic that two weeks ago, I was in the process of writing a blog about our inability to conceive, addressing those of you who rather indiscreetly and carelessly (however unintentionally) "gloat" over your blessed news... and the day after, I discovered I was pregnant.  So, while that blog will not be posted, I hope that the spirit of it is clearly established.

Basically, I don't want to be an annoying pregnant girl who rubs it in the faces of all I'm friends with.  I don't want to clog up a newsfeed.  I don't want to cause anyone to despair because I'm in a different situation than they are. 

But, all that being said, PLEASE:  Congratulate us!  Pray for us!  Rejoice with us!  But... do it in person.  Or send me a text or email or handwritten card!  Let's be more personal with all this personal stuff.  

Soli Deo Gloria!

he's just not that into you

This movie...

While hugely entertaining, and a rather incisive view into our generation's view of relationships and dating...

Angers me on so many levels.

The dating stuff, I think, is true.  Accurate, and relatable.

But the view portrayed of marriage is disheartening. 

(Understatement.)

Just two quotes to consider:

People who get married are not to be trusted. You know why? Because if you were legitimately happy, honestly you wouldn't feel the need to make a big show out of it. You wouldn't have to broadcast it. They do it because they're insecure and because they think that getting married is what they're supposed to be doing now. And so they're lying to themselves and they're lying to others. 

OK. There was this guy who worked in my dad's printing business. Married for 15 years to a nice lady. And then he meets this woman at some church event. And he told my dad he just had never felt anything like it before. I mean, he had finally met the love of his life. So, he divorced his wife, and he's been with this other woman for 22 years and they are blissfully happy. I mean, what if you meet the love of your life - but you already married someone else? Are you supposed to pass them by?

As a young-married that sees and experiences the sometimes daily struggle to remain faithful in marriage, I find this generation (and the generation or two before us) just doesn't get it.  That marriage means commitment.  Faithfulness.  For life.

It's not about finding personal happiness.
It's about making a choice to stay with the one you've committed to, to contribute and work towards one another's personal happiness.
It's not a selfish thing.
It's not about giving up once you've found the 'love of your life' after you say I do.  
It's about forsaking all others.
And it's difficult.

It's hard in this day and age when we're bombarded with movies like this that glamorize sexy affairs and selfish relationships.  It hurts my heart, and causes me to despair.  Because I, too, selfishly want that.  Romance that is forbidden.  New and exciting relationships.  

But I'm not stupid.  And I'm not lazy.  I truly buy into the idea that my husband and I have made a lifetime commitment to each other.  And though it will most certainly take work to keep our relationship exciting and new, I believe that it is worth it.  It makes me sad that other people don't see that.  That marriage is undervalued and misunderstood.

That all being said, the movie ends well.  The dude who has an affair is left by both his mistress and his wife.  And the couple who has been together for years and years finally decides to get married.  "The good end happily, and the bad unhappily.  That is what fiction means," to quote my friend Mr Wilde.  

I, however, fear that the truth is stranger (rather, sadder) than fiction.  In real life, marriage is treated as a temporary institution, one of convenience or fleeting romantic ideals.  But it isn't.  Marriage matters.  Real, life-long commitment and faithfulness matters.

2013 Goals and Resolutions

Oh Calvin.  You get me.

But seriously, I have such a hard time with goals.  Meeting goals, that is.  Making them is fairly easy.  I get distracted.  I unprioritize and reprioritize.  I get lazy.  I don't wanna read x amount of books, or write x amount of sonnets.  Let's see how this year goes, then, when I make goals that are less easily measured.

1. Talk on the phone more, and in doing so, defeat my fear of the thing.
2. Stop saying the word "annoying", and in doing so, be less easily annoyed.  (It's good in theory.)
3. Do not complain, whine, or gossip.  Ever.  (Except maybe to Kevin.  That's basically like talking to myself.)
4. Finish all the books I left half-done in 2012.  There are quite a few of 'em.
5. Read more fiction.
6. Read more classics.
7. Play and teach piano.  (Seriously.  This one is happening, and I'm a bit nervous about it!)
8. Take voice lessons again.  (Yikes!  If I can find the time for it, I wanna make this one happen!)
9. Move into a house!
10. Be a better wife and friend.
11. Support and encourage Kevin.  (Sometimes I forget he has to verbally process and dream.)
12. Write more letters.
13. Spend more structured time praying and in the Scriptures.
14. Be more assertive.
15. Stand up straighter.
16. Be more active.
17. Cook more, and learn to bake.
18. Be spontaneous.
19. Watch less TV.
20. Don't take short-cuts out of laziness.

marriage is risky

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

So says Jack, my friend and pedagogue, in his The Four Loves.  And I find this to be true.  You may have read one of my previous posts sharing part of my story about finding God and what it means to let Him love me.  It is one thing to be vulnerable before the Almighty God, who will never leave or forsake, but another thing altogether to be vulnerable before another fallible, faulty, and self-serving human being. 

Marriage is risky.

I am a messy person.  Not externally - like in our home, leaving clothes everywhere, dishes undone, the bathroom mirror ajar - that's his specialty.  Inwardly, privately, though, I am a mess.  There are unresolved issues that I like to keep to myself.  Marriage doesn't really allow that.  Not really.  All I am is his - including my mess.  And vice versa.  

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Vulnerable can mean "to be open to attack."  Completely exposed.  Messes bared.  Wholly at the mercy of someone else.  What a risk.

What a risk to place yourself in dependence of another, to willingly subject yourself to someone who is not you.  Who does not think as you do.  Who has not experienced what you have, and may not understand that.  

What a risk to invest your energy, will and emotion, and your very life to a person who will break your heart without trying or thinking.  

What a risk to know that you are in that same position to him, in a position to so easily break his heart, though he may not ponder the situation as analytically as you do.  

Let me finish the paragraph I started at the top:

There is no safe investment.

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, 

you must give your heart to no one,

not even to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements;

lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change.

it will not be broken; 

it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.

The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe 

from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

You see?  The opposite of vulnerability is impenetrability.  Refusing to be vulnerable is refusing to be understood. You are completely inaccessible.  The fear of being vulnerable is similar to the fear of being unloved, but at the expense of being known.  If you are unknown by the one that you love (or fear to love), there is no hope for love in the relationship at all.  And this shortcoming is magnified in marriage.

Marriage is a religion.  It is a devotion founded on faith and trust and love, but based upon the love of Christ for each individual rather than the individual's ability to love on his or her own.  Perhaps, then, it is a parable for religion.  It is not safe; it is profoundly risky.  And that's love.  That's life.

why my husband is the sweetest man alive

So, last night, I'm working the closing shift at Starbucks.  It's snowing.

We had just locked the store so we could finish cleaning, counting drawers, etc... and we see two sets of headlights shining through the windows.  We rolled our eyes because it's obnoxious when people try to get in when we're already closed.  The cars sit there a while.

I take a closer look: it's my husband (in gym shorts) heating up my car and scraping the windshield for me.  My coworker (a guy) turns to me and says, "Well, that is literally the sweetest thing I've ever seen.  What a great guy, geez."

Adorable, right?  Just wait - it gets better.

I arrive back at our flat, where Kevin has prepared me dinner.  He ushers me to the couch, where he has my favorite book sitting next to a bottle of my favorite pinot grigio.  A playlist of Michael Buble, John Mayer, and Air Supply was on softly.

So very, very sweet.

Then, he prepared a foot bath.  My feet soaked while I read my favorite book, sipped wine, and ate popcorn (because he knows and loves me that much), and while he kept the pup occupied in the other room, I got my relaxation on.

But, guess what, there's even more.

He gave me a pedicure.  He literally scrubbed my feet.

He didn't even know what a pedicure was, apparently, and had to be told by the ladies at Bath and Body Works (where he bought all the lavender- and vanilla-scented goodness).  He did this for me.  Out of the blue.  For absolutely no reason whatsoever.  It was a Thursday night, for goodness' sake!

And THIS is why my husband is the sweetest man alive.

redefining tolerance

It is time for those engaged in contentious debate to put the pitchforks down, pick up some coffee cups and have some messy conversations. Messy conversations lead to healthy conversations. Healthy conversations lead to understanding. Understanding those whom we disagree with leads to pure tolerance.

 So writes Ken Coleman in his Huffpost article, Redefining Tolerance: The Case of Chick-fil-A.  I tend to agree.

"Gay is the new black" v. Chick-fil-a

I read two articles today.
They happened to be on a topic I am wrestling through as I hope to find the appropriate, loving, Christian response.
Read them.  Think through these things with me.  Pray about it.  I'm going to, too.

One: Gay Is Not the New Black
Two: Moreno lays an egg opposing Chick-fil-A
(For whatever reason, the Chicago Tribune site isn't letting me link it properly... so you might have to google "Chick fil A" and it's currently the top news story. Sigh.)

a little over a month from now....

...my best friend is getting married.

And I get to stand and testify to her love for him and their love for Christ.

summertime: once a week

It takes a bit of effort to "have" summer, 

dates, 

relaxing days.

Groupon: 

DaVinci Machines at the Denver Pavilions

Conclusion: 

Renaissance man does not fail to impress

Then:

Street fair

Chalk art

Starbucks

Wannabe city (silly Denver) and wandering

Shepherd's pie for dinner, and fried chicken

Friends' home

Encouragement and laughter

Coffee

Kev having a blast.

I got a new purse!

People's Fair; gorgeous day

oh life life life

It's been a while since I've blogged about... anything, really.  Besides just my records of the hilarious and/or insightful things my kids say at the preschool.  So.  Here's why.

I'm not sure exactly why I do this to myself.  I guess I just figure that I have "all the time in the world" now that I'm out of college, and living "real life".  Au contraire!  If I thought I was busy then - a 20-credit undergrad student, working at 20 hour/week job, trying to have some semblance of a social life - what am I doing to myself NOW?  Let me give you the run-down of what my "semester" looks like this year:

- Working full-time at Starbucks.
- Working part-time at Evergreen Academy.
- Being a housewife (seriously - I'm making a career out of doing laundry, dishes, cooking, etc) and loving on my husband, keeping that relationship real.
- Being an obedient servant of God (all that that entails, some listed below, some just having to do with my personal spiritual life... this is a relationship that demands up-keep, as well!)
- Being a friend and mentor (I have more of a social life now than I ever did in college - what?!)
- Singing and playing piano for Saturday evening services at our church.
- Supporting Kevin and the youth group by attending Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings (mostly regularly).
- Taking an online course at Red Rocks (it's a 101, but still is work).
- Working on learning 15 new songs to be the piano accompanist for the spring musical at the local high school (boy, am I rusty - but excited for the challenge and the chance to get involved with the youth!)
- Trying to finish this 700 pg book... just to be DONE with it already!
- And now because Kev and I have decided that what I need is more peer-fellowship - I'm joining a Bible study with a friend and some other ladies down the mountain.

This is my life, guys.  I love it.  I love what I do, my friends, my life.  Truly.  But I feel like I'm killing myself sometimes.  Like, I never have time to breathe.  I have days off, obviously, but those days are taken up with all the other busyness I have to "get done".  It's so easy for me to get overwhelmed and stressed and take it out on people closest to me (i.e: Kevin).  Not good!

So, here are some things I need to be constantly reminding myself.

These are the things I know:
- This is a 101 course.  I can and will get a decent grade, basically despite my best efforts to the contrary.
- I am good at playing piano, and after I acquaint myself with the songs a bit more, I'll be fine.
- I cannot take out my stress on Kevin.
- Adarae is coming to visit me in five days and will make everything better! (Plus, days off work!)
- God is faithful, and I am able to please Him by my obedience in the little things as well as the big things.
- I cannot always please everyone - so I can't beat myself up for failing in the little things, asking forgiveness, etc.  I cannot let my fear of letting others down affect my day-to-day.
- I can love people in little ways that make a big difference.
- I can organize and prioritize: Do what matters most first.

al fine: goals for 2011

2011 is over.  Officially.  Care to see how I did on my goals for this year?

1) journal weekly (in my journal, not my blog)
2) teach like I mean it—student teaching was rough, but I can say with confidence that I started each day as if it were on purpose! And now that I'm working at Evergreen Academy, many more opportunities!!
3) graduate PBU (get certified, succeed as a teacher, all that jazz)
4) see an obscene number of friends get married!—and still so many coming up!
5) move away (pref. to Colorado!)--we're here!!  
6) twice a month, write a letter to a different dear (if distant) friend—yes!  I've gotten better at this one since the half-way mark!  I love love writing (and receiving!) letters of encouragement! 
7) get a piano—an electric piano counts.  I guess.
8) learn 5 new pieces by Chopin—I've *begun* learning two.  Shoot, I'll work on this one!
9) read (and appreciate!) a Russian novel--I read Crime and Punishment this summer.  "Read"-check.  "Appreciate"-...I'll let you know.
10) finish reading the works of Shakespeare in its entirety!--Will have to finish next year....
11) write something worth reading--this is up for debate.  
12) go hiking & camping with Kevin on a mountain--hiking, yes.  Camping, no.  
13) see sunset and sunrise on said mountain
14) learn to knit and/or crochet
15) research Trivits heritage
16) learn German… begin learning German--I downloaded a podcast that was supposed to teach you German.  I didn't make it far, but I made an effort!

17) learn to cook - not really Julie & Julia style, but kinda
18) give people the benefit of the doubt, every time
19) learn and play a number of different card games
20) acquire painting supplies, use said supplies

21) learn to love Kevin more than I love myself; support him; dream with him (aka be an awesome wife!)—definite improvements!

22) learn when and how to be a follower rather than a leader (and vice versa)—definite improvements!
23) read through the Bible again—Yes!  In just about six months!
24) have Kevin teach me Greek—in progress!
25) sing somewhere--every Saturday night, I get to help lead worship at my church!
26) grow a garden (even an herb garden, come on!)
27) learn to exercise (& do it regularly!)--Next year.
28) remember to not be too serious

29) study up on world religions
30) …get a new and decent job.


22/30... is a solid C.  

Twenty Five

HAPPY DECEMBER the 25th (correct!)

I'm thankful for (just about) one year of marriage, and a first Christmas together.  There's not much more I need to say.  May we have many more happy returns!

Fourteen/Fifteen

HAPPY DECEMBER 14-15!

Life's crazy.

I'm thankful for funny encounters.  They just add a little something extra to a run-of-the-mill day.  

Yesterday, I was greeted at a luncheon by a lady I had met only once before.  Just a week before, actually.  She grabbed 'hold of me, hugged me tight, and said how good it was to see me and how long it had been.  Then she realized I was not who she thought I was.  I told her that I appreciated the hug anyway.  :)

Kevin, too, had a fun little run-in at the luncheon.  He had just gone up to the beverage table to get us a couple of coffees, when a lady grabbed his arm and asked (as he said, with crazy eyes): "Did you know they have chocolate tea?"  He replied that, no, he did not.  She just nodded (still with the crazy eyes) and walked away.

Today, at work as I handed a fairly regular customer (venti mocha) his change, he looked at me bashfully (read: awkwardly) and said, "I'm just curious... would you be interested in going out sometime?"  Oy.  I wear my rings at work.  I purposefully hold the window open in such a way that the sun can shine off the diamond.  All things considered, I think I handled it rather well - thanked him, told him I'm married, and then sidled out of view.  Awkward.  But funny.  Poor guy.  Apparently, he had asked out one of the other baristas earlier that summer and she, too, had turned him down.  Ouch.

And now for something completely different!

I'm thankful for opportunities.  I had an awesome theological/Gospel conversation with a coworker today.  Just joking around, he claimed to be goodness incarnate.  I said, "That's blasphemy!"  Which launched us into a rather intense discussion of what "goodness" is, original sin, who Jesus is, His deity v. humanity, the holiness of God, what it means that God cannot look on sin, why it is important for us to believe in Jesus' act of redemption on the cross and what actually took place there.  Seriously.  Who gets opportunities like this?  Who takes advantage of them?  While this guy and I are prone to disagreement and (heated) discussion, I appreciate his mind and the way he thinks about things.  I also sense his curiosity, hand-in-hand with a disillusionment with religion.  I hope to have more opportunities of this nature.  Pray for me! 

In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.

1 Peter 3:15

Ten

HAPPY DECEMBER TEN!

Sorry the above picture is sort of creepy, I just thought it interesting enough to use!

Today, I'm thankful for marriage.  Kev and I just got home from the beautiful and touching wedding of two of our newest dear friends.  We had the honor of being usher and guestbook attendant (guess which did which!) and observing the beginning of a fun, adventurous, arduous, thrilling journey.  Although it's still nineteen days till our one year anniversary, Kevin and I couldn't wait to watch the video of our wedding.  What an exciting and perfect day that was. 

The thing I'm thankful for, though, is that marriage is not a one-day event.  It's a lifetime.  It's a journey, a process.  Kevin and I get to walk side-by-side through life, experiencing and working through everything together.  We complete - perfect - one another in that process.  And what a beautiful picture of our relationship to Christ:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:22-27

Four

HAPPY DECEMBER FOUR!

Today I'm thankful (strangely) for football.  Sunday afternoons mean football.  Always have, and chances are they always will.  There's something so relaxing and happy about taking a nap on the couch while a game is on in the background.  

Of course, having married Kevin, that's no longer feasible.  There's no such thing as a "relaxing" game; the concept of having a game "on in the background" is non-existent.  It is loud.  It is passionate.  It is intense.  Regardless of the actual intensity of the game going on onscreen.  Kevin makes it so.  But he loves it.  And that's why I love it.  

So, while I'm not nap-taking right now, I'm enjoying watching Kevin watch his team ("God's team," he says).  Shouting, chest-bumping with a friend, cheering, answering calls from his pop pop and dad, knocking things over, waving his G-force flag as Matthews scores a touchdown.  

abraham and sarah

Lately, I've been struck with the realization that Kevin and I are called to be Abraham and Sarah.  Let me explain.

Earlier this year, not long after we got married, we knew we were meant to move across the country from Philly, PA to the Denver area, Colorado.  Away from everything: PBU and DE life, friends, family... every support system I had known for the past four years, and Kevin... his whole life.

Kevin felt a call to study Scripture and ministry at Denver Seminary.  We searched for jobs and apartments.  We looked and prayed for plans to fall into place.  Ultimately, though, we knew that regardless of our "plans" working out via internet searches, phone calls and emails, Kevin and I would be moving.  It came to the point (before Kevin received the joyous letter from Denver Sem) that we felt we needed to move whether or not he was accepted for the fall semester.  Such was the feeling - the call - that we both had toward our future in Colorado.

So, a week after graduating from Philadelphia Biblical, Kev and I packed up our box of an apartment, loaded all of our earthly possessions into a moving van, and drove 30+ hours west.  Jobs were uncertain, though Kevin had an "in" from his previous job on the east coast.  We still had no idea what our apartment really looked like, other than the pictures we had seen online - which we hoped were not fabricated or dishonest.

We arrived at Idaho Springs, saw our [gorgeous!] apartment, applied for jobs, found a church, made some friends, and settled down with life.  Truly.  That's about how fast it all happened, too.

It has just been incredible to see the way that the Lord has seen fit to bless us.  He called us out in faith, and now He delights in rewarding us for our obedience.  It is not a huge stretch to compare Colorado to the Promised Land... but I think there's truth in the analogy that God let us know He had/has enormous and amazing things in store for us, calling us to leave our comfortable support systems and the life that we had known to pursue what He had - whatever that might be - out in the wild blue yonder of the Rockies.

I see Kevin as an Abraham figure, anyway.  I see him as one appointed by God to be His ambassador in a foreign, unfamiliar land.  I think God sees him that way, too.  Since we've settled here, Kevin's heart is for seminary and for further education in Biblical studies... but his desire is for practical ministry in the local church.  That much is clear.  We arrived at FBCE at the moment the associate pastor was looking for an intern - a role he asked Kevin to fulfill maybe three weeks after we had begun attending the church.  Once in that position, and after a summer of awesome ministry with the youth group and the rest of the church body, the associate pastor has received and answered a call to lead a church in Kentucky.  Kevin is in prime position to assume several of those responsibilities.

Don't you see?  It's all just a little too perfect.  Too perfect to be coincidence, anyway.  Of course, this is how we see God work.  I see Him blessing our obedience in moving out here, and our continued obedience in submitting our will to His in His plan for our life.

I see myself as Sarah.  I see myself as one appointed to stand next to my Abraham in support.  Not questioning his leadership, but faithfully serving next to him.  I also put my trust in the Lord that He will be faithful in providing us with the family that we so desire.  (And, any of you who know me well understand my Sarah- (or Hannah-) like desire for children, though Kevin and I are still young.) But, in His timing.

This is one of the numerous reasons why I love the Old Testament narratives of God's people.  I love seeing the way God works, how people respond to Him, and how He blesses.  How can we but rejoice in His word?  How can we but obey and heed His call?  How can we but trust in Him?

I humbly ask for your prayers as we continue to settle into life here.  I ask that especially through this holiday season we will be the image-bearers of Christ and ambassadors of the Lord in a dark and unbelieving world.

Genesis 18:19

"For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household 

after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, 

so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him."

Psalm 37: 3-6

Trust in the LORD, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.