Five years ago, I was a freshman at Philadelphia Biblical University (now Cairn University). There's more backstory that I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I was floundering.
My heart had been broken that summer, a traumatizing experience for an eighteen-year-old girl, and I entered school not knowing who I was, what I was worth, and I had about had it with God. You see, during that summer, when my heart was broken, I determined to (in my own words) "see what I was saved from". That meant nearly open rebellion against my parents, against my standards, and against my faith. I felt I hadn't yet lived, so I set about living.
Apparently what I thought that meant, though, was destructive relationships. I'll gloss over details, because in truth you can probably imagine what that entailed.
And five years ago, I realized I was reaching my limit. I was being stretched too thin. And it was beginning to show.
Here's an excerpt from my journal:
I've been struggling with an eating disorder for a few years now... and everything's just coming to a head (at this point, I had passed out in the shower twice). What it boils down to is how much I value other people's opinions of myself. If they don't approve of me, I don't approve of me. And this new environment has just intensified my insecurities. I wish I just had the strength and the confidence to be just unapologetically ME.Later:
I've been so encouraged by the response of family and friends - my mom called Oasis Counseling Center and I'm meeting with the Baron today... in about 40 minutes. This should also be a good thing, although I'm incredibly nervous and embarrassed to be seeking help for this.And later:
Well, much has happened, I guess. I've met with my counselor twice now, and according to my intake survey, I have clinical depression. I may be seeing a doctor in a month or so, if things don't improve. I'm just not really sure how I'm supposed to respond to this information.After several sessions, it became more and more apparent that my depression stemmed from standards that I felt I could never measure up to, and from ever-increasing guilt because of those standards and my decisions the past summer. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was Just Not Good Enough. In another journal entry, I wrote about when I told my counselor The Story of my heartbreak. She asked me how I could tell such a story and remain so calm and composed, but as I processed that, it seemed to me that I deserved much of what heartbreak came my way. I had put myself into those situations knowing full well what I was getting into. And this mentality continued for me, for a little while.
Five years ago, the weekend of the PBU Homecoming (which was this past weekend, in fact), I was about ready to end it all. Another failed and foolish relationship pushed me beyond the limit, and I wanted to punish myself for my stupidity, for once again not being good enough. Fortunately, I had the good sense to tell someone about what I felt prepared to do. This friend may never know that he rescued me from the brink that night, but I am ever grateful to him.
A few days later, my journal read: Yesterday was good. Today is better. I am so thankful for amazing friends and godly examples and advice. I want, more than anything in the world, to give my life to Him.
You see? I still hadn't figured it out. I was still living apart from God, from the One who so desired to fix me, heal my broken heart. My identity, my morality, and my very self was yet unsurrendered to Him. Because, of course, I felt I could never be good enough.
And that's when it all changed. Almost on a whim, two new friends invited me to a concert with them and their circle (the Heritage Hall loungers, as I once referred to them before I was a part of their group). It was a Bebo Norman, Bethany Dillon, and Shane and Shane concert at the University of Delaware. I felt a bit out of my element, new people, new friends and all, and my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend was going, whom I still "hated". But it was music, and it was getting out of my dorm, so I went. I needed it.
The show was good (if you know anything about the musicians I mentioned above, that is understatement), but at the very end of Shane and Shane's set, they played their (then) new song: Embracing Accusation. And I wept. I gave my heart, wholly, to the Lord. I began to believe the truth that they sang, scripture.
You'll understand once you hear the song.
I'll let Shane Bernard explain the rest.
Listen to his story. The full song, with lyrics, is the second video.
-- In 2008, I had the pleasure of meeting the Shanes and letting them know what their song means to me, and how it changed my life. --
Galatians 3:10
For all who rely on works of the law are under a curse; for it is written, "Cursed be everyone who does not abide by all things written in the Book of the Law, and do them."
Galatians 3:13
Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree."
On this day in history: October 11, 2007, I surrendered. I raised the white flag and leapt into His arms. And now I'm free.
Thank you to
Steve Brittin,
Nate Benbow,
Derek Meck,
Bill Lukacs,
Jeremy Pearson,
Tommy Myers,
Brieanne Sodano,
Katie Slothower,
Heather Neustadter,
Elisa Monahan,
Shane and Shane
And whoever else had a part in this story.
