Written: Nov. 31, 2010.
All right. I’ve got to square with you guys. Mostly, because I wanted to use that phrase. But also because you deserve to know where I am in life… right now….
**********Although now I’d like to go into a semi-authoritative rant on the improper grammar of the phrase, “Where I’m at.” However. There seems to be a better understanding (in our generation, anyway) of the difference between where I’m at and where I am. The former can denote a certain (not necessarily physical location or position) whereas the latter typically (if not always) seems to refer to particular location.
Take this for instance: Suzy sits down with Rob and says, “…Rob, where are we at?” Everyone understands they’re about to launch into what is known as a DTR or DRT (depending on the region of the country from which you happen to hail) — a Defining The Relationship talk, or a Determining Relationship Talk. Whichever term you capitalize, what is being defined and discussed is not a physical location or position. Now, had Suzy sat down with Rob and said, “…Rob, where are we?”, her question is significantly more ambiguous to even the most attentive of eavesdroppers. Rob might respond anywhere from, “Ummm we’re in Dunkin Donuts?” to “Well, where are any of us, really? What does it mean to beanywhere?” Man, Rob is super philosophical. Regardless, my point is made. “Where are we at” = more clear. “Where are we” = less clear.**********
And now: This Is Where I Am. Ambiguous title, with ambiguous phrasing to reflect the disequilibrium that I currently feel. Don’t you love my little grammatical interlude and the way I used it to set up my next point? Cha-ching! That noise was more of a sound of victory than a sound of money coming in… as if my words would ever bring in the big bucks.
Let me break it down:
I’m feeling sentimental. Yes, I’m a girl and yes, emotions fluctuate irregularly fairly regularly, but I’ve been feeling consistently sentimental lately.
I happen to be one of those annoying people who has decided that the acceptable start of the Christmas season is November 1, and the acceptable end is somewhere around February. This is a season, people, not a mere holiday. This particular, up-and-coming Christmas is especially exciting and important and… sentimental.
I’m getting married in 29 days. Do the math and that’s 4 days after Christmas, but squarely in the middle of the Christmas season. This is, then, my last semester not only of undergrad classes at PBU, but my last semester as a single woman. Yikes. I’m overwhelmingly excited for my life with Kevin, though my childhood is officially over (haha). We graduate in May. We move out to Denver, CO in June. We have triplets in September. …Just seeing if you’re awake… We follow God wherever He leads. We are excited for life! But everything changes!
We leave behind PBU and all that entails: our best friends, the professors who have spoken into our lives, our jobs, the life we have known. We start over. We start afresh.
Beginning to get the picture of my life right now? Beginning to get the picture of Where I Am? It’s a physical location, yes — still at PBU — but mentally, emotionally, spiritually, my location is much more ambiguous. I’m at this tenuous little in-between area of my life. Kevin and I are together, but not yet. We have a joint bank account, but we don’t live together yet - we don’t share everything as man and wife yet. I have a month left of undergrad classes, but after that, I’m hardly a “real student” anymore, as I become the student teacher in the spring. I cherish my life here: my job, my friends, classes, but I’m beginning to ease out of all of that. I’m beginning to let go. Let go of my singleness; let go of my dorm room; let go of my education in the sense that classes are preparation for life, but I have a foot in classes and a foot in “life”. Getting it yet?
This picture I took, driving through Washington Crossing (one of my favorite and most beautiful places near here), expresses all this better than I have, I’m sure. What I see and what I experience is here, and it is tangible, but I’m beginning to pass it by. And that’s why Where I Am is so… sentimental.
